Even if a day is neutral in itself, I’m convinced the reality is that some of them are, indeed, good.
I have rather enjoyed mine!
More to come.
abuse, armor, breath, breathing, children, energy, feelings, Forgiveness, grief, healing, Heart, life, Marriage, Max Strom, My Life, pain, parenting, recovery, relationships, release, shame, story, therapy, yoga
I haven’t been in the mood to write much. I don’t know why. Maybe I feel vulnerable.
I surprised myself and attended all of the workshops with Max Strom I signed up for last weekend.
After “The Healing Power of Forgiveness” lecture Max presented, I stayed awake late into the morning hours because I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t really thinking anything, so it’s not like my thoughts were keeping me up. I was just filled with energy.
So much energy.
I still actually feel that way, even though I have been extremely tired/wiped out at the same time.
I actually told some of my friends about Max coming to town because I had already shared about his “Learn to Breathe” DVD on Facebook before I ever knew he was coming to town. So one of my best friends and her husband decided to come with me for the Forgiveness lecture.
It was nice to not be there alone. It’s been so long since I haven’t felt alone in this healing process (if this process is a healing process and not something else I don’t even know yet.) There are still times I feel really alone, but the structure of my life –and me– is changing. I’m a lot more open these days, more uninhibited, more real (I’d say,) and less ashamed.
(As an aside, I did get to use my special Forgiveness Tissues I mentioned in my last post. I even got to share them. )
The shame waves still take me down every once in a while, but they don’t seem to be as high as they used to be. Not as powerful. Either I’ve gotten stronger or the shame has become weaker…or maybe both…which is extremely cool.
I’m able to step back when it feels like I’m about to go down and say, “Wait a minute, that’s shame and it’s not really mine.” Or…which isn’t quite as fun (but no less useful) I am able to step back and look at what I’m experiencing and see where I need to step up and grow beyond myself a little bit…or a lot, but with realistic expectations.
Oh, this growing thing.
I have therapy tonight.
I sometimes wish I could just punch things into a computer and put all the pieces together to make them whole again without all the elements having to actually go through getting where they need to be. But then it wouldn’t be real life, and real life is what I’m after. I don’t want just a virtual life.
The part that is so hard is looking up, making eye contact and not just watching images interact on a screen.
In his workshops, Max actually spoke on how with the technologic developments that are going on robots are becoming more human and humans are becoming less so. It’s easy to see and say that, harder to take responsibility for our humanity and counteract it.
Especially when so many people are hurting.
It’s sometimes seems easier (and better) to stop breathing and let the robots do it for us.I know it’s a lie. Most things that steal true, authentic life away is a lie.
But lies can be enticing, even when you know what it is.
The lie says you can do that (in this case, not breathe) and still get away with it.
Anyway, Max didn’t talk about lies. He talked about breathing. And he didn’t just talk about it. He demonstrated and taught how to do it too.
I like lectures, but I’m always getting myself caught up in these damn experiential things! lol
A word about Max Strom that I haven’t really read anywhere else. He’s known as a respected yoga teacher and somebody who teaches deep breathing (the kind that actually gives and sustains real life,) but nowhere have I ever seen that Max…is for the children.
Yes, Max is a teacher who gets it.
Hang in with me here as I try to explain…
He understands about the hurt and pain and struggles of our lives, but he’s not blind to the origin. Our pasts…and most commonly, our childhood. Without saying a word about creepy inner child stuff (Inner child stuff is not really creepy, but it has always just creeped me out.) he speaks to the inner child (through teaching breath, it’s the inner child part of us who I think has stopped breathing, and we just follow along…my words, NOT Max’s…so this part is my spin on what I learned from him this weekend)…and then once he sees that he had taught our inner child (or teenager) how to breathe…he reaches out to the children who are really in our homes.
I can’t even name the times Max directly spoke about the children in our lives and in our world who need us to breathe down the defenses of our armored lives, our armored chests.
‘Breathe down the defenses’ are my words too, but that’s how I interpreted what I learned. And…it’s what happened in the space of the hours I was in workshops this weekend and what I’m committed to working on from here on ever-after.
I’m sure there’s a lot more that will come out as a result of what I learned. It’s hard to put it into a summary of words because breathing (in my mind) is such a right-brained thing, even if breathing deeply takes some focused effort. Maybe the effort lessens some after you’ve done it longer. It’s too bad we take one deep breath when we’re born and then it seems they get shorter and more shallow as life progresses.
I say, let’s reverse that trend.
I’m going to do my part!
ps. I don’t make any money off of this! 😉
I just gotta say, before I even get started…it is naptime again. This is the only time I get to come here to write and share my world that is so unwritten, so not waiting on a free moment to give me to process it! So my baby will probably wake up long before I am actually done with a complete working of my brain’s thoughts right now.
I survived surgery. I actually talked through the surgery with the surgeon’s nurse about aging and choosing whether to age with grace…or not. She is outspokenly of the latter. However, I think grace looks decidedly better. And I kind of told her. I was probably injected with a truth serum. I named Jamie Lee Curtis and Helen Mirren in my defense. (And the many less named women in the world…the real masterpieces of our landscape…ah you know them when you see them! Fought for wrinkles that usually crinkly around lit up eyes and mouths…that’s who I want to be anyway.)
During surgery my tattoos and my “interesting” life also came up. My surgeon’s nurse wanted to know what made me classify my life “interesting” and I laid there, kind of unable to move, more than just because there was a surgical instrument stuck in my side. I about choked on the oxygen that wasn’t over my mouth.
I said, “I’m not sure what you really want to know.” Lol. My surgeon seemed to get it pretty quickly. “Is it like family stuff?” he said. “Um, yeah. You could say that.” I’m pretty sure my surgeon and his nurse made eye contact after that and then decided to move on without probing anymore than they already were in the process of doing because there was a silent pause and a few more moments than normal before conversation started up again. And at that point I don’t even remember what was said. I think maybe it was a compliment about how amazing my red hair looked inside the blue hair cap/covering I was wearing.
Anyway, I’ve decided recently I need more time for myself. Like, I want to go back to work. Not that I don’t work all day everyday and all that jazz, but I want to do more work. I need some help with the baby to do it. I’m not sure how I’m going to acquire that help or how I’m going to manage my second work schedule around the first one I’ve already got, but it must be done. And I’m pretty sure it will be done. Well…I’m trying to trust that if it has anything to do with God’s Will it will be?
I am really trying to learn. Really trying to breathe and let go and just live this amazing incredible life that I feel I am trying to cram so much into. I can’t seem to get enough time at any given time. I just feel this push and drive for time. Like my time is limited. I know it’s limited. There are ALWAYS limits to anything. But I just feel like there’s so much to be done.
And as much as I want to be the mother that loves being a housewife…I’ve kind of changed and I love my family and my husband and children…but “housewife” is not me anymore. It feels like I have been a housewife all of my life, from the time I was just a little girl. And there’s something else inside of me. I know this is temporary and life goes on and children grow up and it is precious time and on the outside I know “I’m what dreams are made of.” This is my mantra during every miserable housewifeish task I complete every single day.
This just isn’t me. What if I’m actually a better mother if I’m…just not this?
Omg, I have SO much energy. It’s incredible amount of energy bursting inside me. Maybe it’s this cleanse. Maybe it’s that I haven’t had sugar and its subsequent crashes for 6 days now! Maybe it’s because I’m coming clean…coming clean with it ALL.
I’m not really happy doing this! So I’m working on finding a way to make it work and I will work to make it work and work, work, work and think think think and pray pray pray and keep moving my feet and my heart and walk the walk.
I’m afraid this sounds like I don’t love my family, but I do! It’s because I actually do that I am “going there.”
It’s April, after all, and I’m still alive. Thank goodness I didn’t die 4 months ago. Or maybe I did and I’ve been reborn?
I just don’t know.
I just don’t know.
There’s just so much more…and I can’t explain.
“People subconsciously often feel that healing is selfish when in fact the inverse is true. To heal ourselves emotionally is our duty, our obligation, to those that we love and those that love us. There’s no greater gift that we can give them. We affect people. We can AFfect people or INfect people. Let’s affect people by breathing deeply.” ~Max Strom/ Learn to Breath DVD Intro
I really hope you’ll take the time to watch this 8 minute video even if there’s no time (or desire) to read this post. I believe the content of the video is important and relevant to everyone so just skip over the rest of my mumbo jumbo here and click ‘play’.
Max Strom is a well-known yoga teacher in the United States. I’ve heard his name before during my dabbling into yoga over the years. I’ve never taken the time or effort to actually really research any of the leading national teachers, but now that I am actually starting and being effected by a yoga practice and want to know more about what it’s doing and the whys and hows I’m investigating a little more in an effort to be more conscious about what I do and become in my life.
I’ve looked up a few “names.” It seems like they all have a sort of similar flavor and a definite ego that is blatantly or subtly denied. I find that denial annoying at best and dangerous at worst. So, tell me if you agree, but this guy I “found”, Max Strom, seems to be on to a good honest thing here. I am discerning, I think. I don’t automatically just buy into crap just because someone has somehow managed to win a popularity contest. I’m impressed with his simplicity. And there’s something to be said for a sort of guru of a guy who can just be practical and make good sense.
The stuff he says here about breathing is what I know for a fact to be true. I know it’s true. It’s readily proven. But it doesn’t really make the practice and application of breathing easier for me.
This video is actually the introduction to a DVD he has out titled Learn To Breathe (To Heal Yourself and your Relationships). It’s about how our breathing and mind and emotions are connected. He talks about the storage of grief in our body. He talks about changing the breath to change feelings. But he says what he says a lot better than I do, trying to say what he says, so just watch him instead. You have time. If you’re reading this far you and me both know you have time.
I purchased this DVD on Amazon tonight. I’ll give my personal review in the next week or so after it arrives.
Some important questions today. Please I’m begging for response.
Who changes the toilet paper roll in your house? What does it mean if you are OR are not the toilet paper changer? Does it mean anything? Does it have something to do with the general hierarchy of your house? Or did God just create some people to be TP guardians and some people to not be?
Are you the type of person who even cares if there is toilet paper (or the equivalent) easily accessible after you use the restroom? Do you always look first to see if there is toilet paper handy before you sit down? Who buys the toilet paper in your house and who makes the decisions about what type/brand/style/design characteristics to choose? The person who replaces the TP or the person who doesn’t?
If you are the person who frequently (or always) replaces the empty toilet paper roll with a new one, do you think anyone would notice…or would the TP holder just sit there empty for eternity until you put a new roll in? If you are the TP changer in your house does it really bother/irritate you that if anybody else grabs a roll they NEVER bother to actually insert it into the holder so that it can be rolled out instead of having to hold on to the whole roll (and which always falls out of your hand and rolls across the floor at the most inopportune time, of course.) I mean, it’s called a ROLL of toilet paper because that’s what it’s supposed to do, and that is why TP roll HOLDERS were invented!
If you are a person in your house who never changes the roll (EVEN WHEN YOU SEE IT IS EMPTY AND THE ROLL RAN OUT ON YOUR LAST USE) why don’t you take the effort to put a new roll on before you leave your visit to the restroom? Whyyyyyy? For the love of God, WHY!!??
I just need my mind to settle. Thanks!
Please somebody tell me I am not alone!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor. Not because I’m in the middle of some breakdown, and not because I just spilled a bag of chocolate chips. No, the chocolate chips are sitting in a bag right beside me and I am eating them very purposefully.
I’m sitting here now, on my (somewhat dirty) kitchen floor because right now this is where the best light is in my house. My husband just left with our baby girl for an errand (A break! Thank you, Husband!) and left the door open and it’s letting in the warmest sun.
I’m listening to Lucinda Williams and writing on my blog because I said I would-or at least maybe thought to myself that I would like to-try to write in the moment a little more. This is all about a moment in the light and follow through. And chocolate… Not Ghirardelli, not Godiva, just good old dependable Hershey’s. Nothing too fancy because this moment in the light is enough.
I’m finding the more I follow through on my words and ideas the more I respect myself. The more I’m happy with me for being present and doing something about any given situation, whether it’s to embrace it, thank it, or work to make it better.
Oh beautiful sunlight, how I love you. Oh tasty chocolate, what treat you are to me. Thank you, Husband, for giving me a break!
Sunlight on my face and music in my ears, a refreshed spirit for when my family walks back in through the door, and an intention fulfilled…A lot can happen if you give the moment a chance! The light will find its way to shine inside, but leaving the door open doesn’t hurt!
This is the way I feel this evening. I (“I” in the plural…I count 6 Me’s in this photo) am contemplative and reflecting. This photo was actually taken by my oldest daughter as I tried on my wedding dress for the first fitting/alteration. I can kind of still remember the day, or at least that part of the day. I was so solemn. I remember going to this appointment and wondering why I wasn’t giddy and gushing like the other brides-to-be in the store. I couldn’t make my mouth smile even though I really did try. The more I tried smiling the more I came close to crying so I stopped and just let it be. I guess I figured there would be enough time to put effort into fulfilling expectations later.
This was a serious occasion for me. Monumental. I was going through a ritual I didn’t think I would EVER be facing for myself again. The weight of almost an entire decade riddled with trauma, struggle and raising my daughter on my own-alone-was on me. Getting married was full of mixed feelings. I was happy and hopeful, but mostly scared. Taking this step overflowed with uncertainty. Just how much uncertainty I didn’t yet know. It wouldn’t be until my wedding night that I got a better picture…
There’s a lot to say about how our marriage began, but I’m not quite able to speak it. I don’t know how to go there, or if I even should. The point of this post wasn’t really intended to focus on marriage issues so much. What I’m trying to express is the feeling place I am in today.
Earlier today I was soaring, so I was searching for a picture of my skydive when this photo popped up, and then it clicked. I really should learn to write in the moment and not wait until later when things are quiet and the baby is in bed. I probably miss sharing a lot of “up” times by doing that. By the time the day is coming to a close I’m tired and coming down. The only thing that hasn’t really changed from earlier today is that I’m still kind of speechless.
Now, here I am with all these thoughts running through my head about landing in a marriage when really I’d rather be focusing on the feeling of taking a plunge from a plane 13,000 feet in the air.
Photos, like music, can say things you just couldn’t say otherwise. Maybe it’s just my reflective mood tonight that makes it so easy for this image to sweep me away. I don’t know…I just know the girl in that picture has a lot on her mind(s).
I’ve come upon some hard places this week. These “places” are still in the darkness, but the light is shining in and I don’t know what to do with the silhouettes I see. Things feel black and white and have sharp edges.
There’s something about coming to God and showing up to my spiritual journey that makes my reality clearer and tougher to see at the same time. Somehow God time leads back to the heart. This journey has a way of going around all the wired reasoning that can keep things grounded in things that don’t change. This journey is starting to change me. I’m having to face some really unpleasant realities which my brain isn’t always too pleased about. My heart opens and feels more pure for the insight, but my brain struggles to take it all in. What to do with all this new information?
My therapist said something last Tuesday that has haunted me all week. He was using a metaphor to try to describe something to me, and now I don’t even know what the original topic was totally about. I don’t remember the conversation we were having, but I remember this one part of what he said because it kind of made everything inside me stop. It made my heart stop. He was relating something to being like “that feeling when you really want to kiss a boy you like but you’re scared to. ” I think he was relating it to my experience with God. It stopped me dead in my tracks because as he was saying this my heart dropped. I’m married and I couldn’t even connect with what he was saying. And I thought, “Shouldn’t I know something about this feeling of want he’s speaking of?”
It flashed up all these images of “boys” I’ve kissed. My therapist was sitting there talking about some other completely different topic (or is it?) and all I could see, one by one down the line, was boys I had kissed who I hadn’t even wanted to. My heart literally seemed to stop. I wanted to say something. I wanted to say, “No. I don’t know that feeling,” but I couldn’t. My words were all bound up and nothing made sense. Eventually he seemed to catch on that particular feeling-example wasn’t clicking with me and moved on, and the images sort of fell away….but the feeling and remembrance of having not wanted to “kiss a boy” but doing it anyway has not left me. I’ve tried to get it (and the feelings it brought up) to go away, but the light keeps following it.
I remember kissing different boys and dying a little inside. Sometimes I died a lot. The cliche “kiss of death” comes to mind. And maybe this wouldn’t be such a hard thing to think about if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m married. But I am. Shouldn’t I at least be able to conjure up the memory of passion for my husband? I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed. It feels more frightening to think about than a lot of other things in my life, and I’ve been through some pretty hellacious stuff.
I’m dedicated. I’m committed. I love my husband. But I don’t know what this is about…this lack of memory of desire. It’s had to have been there before. It had to have existed at one time, right? Right??? I wish the light would go away. Maybe darkness is better. It’s more solid and reliable….It stays dark. It doesn’t form dependable things into uncertain shapes.
I look at the depression I have been carrying around with me. I know that I’ve felt so disconnected from my husband, but the saddest part of it all is how disconnected we have been from the start. And now that I’m reconnecting to myself and especially to the deeper aspects of me I feel even more alone and apart. The disconnection I have with my husband is becoming more pronounced.
I’m trying to learn through it. I’m trying to understand what this means for me and for us and our family. I know I’m not going anywhere. I know I’m not ending this relationship. I’m just not quite understanding how this is going to work out. How am I going to get better, become more whole and start really living life if our relationship is not intact. I am so committed to him that I think if our relationship isn’t connected as it needs to be then I can’t really be where I need to be as a connected individual either. I don’t know what to do about this situation.
I live alone in my days and in my nights. It’s not just me who knows this. We’re both aware, but I seem to be the one more bothered by it. I crave so much more. I suppose I am the more addicted one.
I want more out of everything. I have always known that living with somebody and being lonely is much more painful than living alone. Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it will pass and one day I’ll wake up and I will no longer be alone anymore. I keep hoping this is something within me so I can make it change and fix myself to take care of this issue. Everyday when I am working to connect with my husband and it’s not working I relive the pain of my life when through all the years of all of my years I was yearning for somebody to love and hold me…because they wanted to. Because I had value to them.
I think that I do have value to my husband. I think deep down I do. I don’t think it’s really so much a matter of us not loving each other. It’s the connection thing that gets in the way, lol. It’s like we each go in for a kiss and miss each other’s face and fall head first flat on the ground with no arms ready to catch ourselves because we thought we were going to lean into each other. It hurts terribly and our only connection ends up being the betrayal we both feel after the fall. Sometimes I think I feel that fall more deeply because I’m the one focused on making connections. I think in the beginning I desired him and desired him intensely, but after so many falls I have come to not look forward to the miss so the entire experience and memory of “the kiss” is coming close to being wiped out and changed.
Anyway, I love my husband. I want him. I want his want for me.
And I’m putting this here because surely I’m not the only one in the world experiencing something like this. And I’m putting this here because everything I write, even if not seemingly hopeful in the moment….is about hope. It’s here because I believe in the process and I believe in telling the truth-The truth as well as I can possibly know it.
I’ve gone through my life with so many things happening and such little recall for how it occurred. I’m not leaving myself anymore. I’m staying with me. I’m going to love myself enough to connect with who I am and I think when I can do this I’ll be better able to take my husband’s hand and walk this path together.
It is dark and sharply painful now, but two people going down a path holding hands is a soft silhouette I have hope of creating. I get the feeling this will probably have something to do with God after all.
Maybe we should just sing this song to each other! I couldn’t help but think of this song as I was writing!