Today I can feel it coming for me. And that’s hard to feel in the daylight, as a mother.
Maybe I should keep my struggles private, and in a way I do. Not too many people that have met me face to face know anything much about this real life of mine. And sometimes I get frustrated by it. But I protect this private life so that it stays that way. There is safety in nobody knowing, and yet…being so exposed.
My little girl is especially lovely today. And I mean that. She’s all smiles today. I love that little bugger so much. I don’t know why she got stuck with me for a mom. I really don’t know. She got me and she didn’t ask for it. But she got me for a mom. A mom that is fighting off demons day and night.
Maybe they are real demons and maybe they aren’t. Maybe it’s just me and I’m evil like I was told so many times while I was growing up. It seems like I just can’t get that out of my head. I feel ravaged. I feel like I am waking up and I’m dying. I was asleep all this time and now I wake up to not being able to move.
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t started this journey of coming to life. I don’t know yet if when I finally am able to take my last breath if I will hold that regret.
I think you get to both choose and not choose your life. My mind is always seeing the same thing in so many different ways. I see things every which way. Maybe that is why my thoughts never rest. Maybe that’s why I feel the weight of regret. Because one part of me wants something to be one way and another totally doesn’t. One part of me wants to have a relationship with my mother, another doesn’t. And the deepness of the back-and-forth on subjects carries all the way down to life and death.
I probably can’t really explain the horror of how it feels to want to live so much, but be driving down the road fighting to not end it all. Sometimes I actually feel it coming and getting closer to me. Today actually, I felt it. In some ways I can see it happening as a movie. I sometimes have no idea of what the outcome is going to be. I’d make a great movie. Unfortunately, this is my every day.
I have good days. Those do happen. The days where things are fairly consistent.
But those are the good days. And when there are good days…they are called good days…because of the bad days. And those days are a lot more normal.
I will be 32 next month. The physical part of my life has nearly ended. I can manage to do yoga most of the time, but I don’t know how long that is going to hold up. Most of the time I can’t walk, but I’m still expected to. I’m still expected to do all the things that people with no problem walking do. But I’m in pain most of the time. Except for the good days, and I already explained about those. I’m not paralyzed. But I am paralyzed and it’s basically invisible. Except for here…here. Here. Here. And I don’t know where “here” is.
And there is therapy. I’m not really invisible there, I guess, right now. But even there, or maybe especially there, I have to compete with all the parts of myself that want their part of the story told. – I – actually get very little air time. And when I do I feel I’ve wasted it. Because what is there I can say? It’s the same damn thing every day. Isn’t that kind of ironic, I mean, considering the lack of consistency in my life?
I guess there’s a lot going on in my life that I haven’t shared here. And there’s actually a lot I haven’t even shared in therapy yet. And I don’t know if I’ll ever really get the chance. I want to live so much and I want this all to be over. It was all supposed to be over by now. I went to sleep sometime a long time ago and when I woke up it was supposed to be better.
If this is what better is then it sucks and I’m highly disappointed.
I know there’s a million and one things going on in the world, but sometimes it’s a small world. Sometimes our wars are closely fought. The largest battles in the world are within all the earth’s inhabitants. So this is just my war and here I am on broadcast 101.
I would flip the channel.
