I just gotta say, before I even get started…it is naptime again. This is the only time I get to come here to write and share my world that is so unwritten, so not waiting on a free moment to give me to process it! So my baby will probably wake up long before I am actually done with a complete working of my brain’s thoughts right now.
I survived surgery. I actually talked through the surgery with the surgeon’s nurse about aging and choosing whether to age with grace…or not. She is outspokenly of the latter. However, I think grace looks decidedly better. And I kind of told her. I was probably injected with a truth serum. I named Jamie Lee Curtis and Helen Mirren in my defense. (And the many less named women in the world…the real masterpieces of our landscape…ah you know them when you see them! Fought for wrinkles that usually crinkly around lit up eyes and mouths…that’s who I want to be anyway.)
During surgery my tattoos and my “interesting” life also came up. My surgeon’s nurse wanted to know what made me classify my life “interesting” and I laid there, kind of unable to move, more than just because there was a surgical instrument stuck in my side. I about choked on the oxygen that wasn’t over my mouth.
I said, “I’m not sure what you really want to know.” Lol. My surgeon seemed to get it pretty quickly. “Is it like family stuff?” he said. “Um, yeah. You could say that.” I’m pretty sure my surgeon and his nurse made eye contact after that and then decided to move on without probing anymore than they already were in the process of doing because there was a silent pause and a few more moments than normal before conversation started up again. And at that point I don’t even remember what was said. I think maybe it was a compliment about how amazing my red hair looked inside the blue hair cap/covering I was wearing.
Anyway, I’ve decided recently I need more time for myself. Like, I want to go back to work. Not that I don’t work all day everyday and all that jazz, but I want to do more work. I need some help with the baby to do it. I’m not sure how I’m going to acquire that help or how I’m going to manage my second work schedule around the first one I’ve already got, but it must be done. And I’m pretty sure it will be done. Well…I’m trying to trust that if it has anything to do with God’s Will it will be?
I am really trying to learn. Really trying to breathe and let go and just live this amazing incredible life that I feel I am trying to cram so much into. I can’t seem to get enough time at any given time. I just feel this push and drive for time. Like my time is limited. I know it’s limited. There are ALWAYS limits to anything. But I just feel like there’s so much to be done.
And as much as I want to be the mother that loves being a housewife…I’ve kind of changed and I love my family and my husband and children…but “housewife” is not me anymore. It feels like I have been a housewife all of my life, from the time I was just a little girl. And there’s something else inside of me. I know this is temporary and life goes on and children grow up and it is precious time and on the outside I know “I’m what dreams are made of.” This is my mantra during every miserable housewifeish task I complete every single day.
This just isn’t me. What if I’m actually a better mother if I’m…just not this?
Omg, I have SO much energy. It’s incredible amount of energy bursting inside me. Maybe it’s this cleanse. Maybe it’s that I haven’t had sugar and its subsequent crashes for 6 days now! Maybe it’s because I’m coming clean…coming clean with it ALL.
I’m not really happy doing this! So I’m working on finding a way to make it work and I will work to make it work and work, work, work and think think think and pray pray pray and keep moving my feet and my heart and walk the walk.
I’m afraid this sounds like I don’t love my family, but I do! It’s because I actually do that I am “going there.”
It’s April, after all, and I’m still alive. Thank goodness I didn’t die 4 months ago. Or maybe I did and I’ve been reborn?
I just don’t know.
I just don’t know.
There’s just so much more…and I can’t explain.