Clearly Mental

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Mental illness would be a lot more fun if it didn’t feel so much like mental illness.  Some things just feel profound to me today, like my sense that I am not such a good lier anymore.

I used to be able to follow the norms.  I used to be able to play the part a little better.

The part of what?

The part of something, in honesty, I don’t even know.  So I don’t even have an answer for who I have been all these years.

A part in the sham.

Kind of sad.

Sad.

Real.

 

Really sad.

 

Isn’t it funny that I sort of wish I could be more fake when everywhere you look (or I look) I’m always finding these splendid, grand blog masters (and other professionals) on being real, authentic and present.

It’s bullshit.

Nobody really wants to be those things.  Because if they were….I guarantee most of the time they would probably hate it.

Ok.  So I don’t exactly like if at the moment, myself. And I’m really just speaking for myself.  I’ll keep this to myself.

No, not to myself.  I’m telling everything.

 

I’m telling.

 

I’m telling.

Yes.  I’m immature probably.

And I’m telling.

 

I know maybe nobody will care.

Most people didn’t care when I ever told anything before.  Before….before as in when I was going about acquiring the disease in my brain.  My heart.  My brain.  My f-ing heart.

 

It’s funny how your heart gets crushed and suddenly you’re labeled “mental.”
Oh well.

 

It’s hard to figure out what is true sometimes.

 

Am I just mental?  Or am I just sad?  Do I just feel pain?

What is this!?

I think people would just prefer me numb.  Nice and numb.

It’s lame.  That’s what it is.  It’s f-ing lame, especially when such a clean slate is getting a underpainting like this.

But it makes me feel a little bit better, strangely enough, that I wasn’t really anticipating a brand new canvas or anything.  Breaking the norms and all….the new year is kind of the same-old to me.

Life is too short (even when extended to the far end of the spectrum) for new years.  This is all one brilliantly stringed together life of days and they never really start over.

If there were I would have started over at some point by now.  I promise that.

This is the quiver-in-my-belly truth.

The end-of-year holidays pretty much do me in every time.

Even when I get a new puppy.  Even when I am venturing into places I’m passionate about in my little art world.

Nothing saves me from it.  It lingers and it taunts me all year long.  It is always there, just waiting…because it knows there is no escape from it where I live.  Unless I choose to live somewhere very different…from which there will be other just as bad or worse things I would be unable to escape from.

So, I get it all wrong.

This is supposed to be all clean and pure and high intentions and songs of praise for the coming light.

But all I feel is shaken into darkness at the moment.

At the moment.

The stupid moments I’m so much more present with because people tell me this is BETTER.

Better!!!??

I’m getting well, you see.

It’s all so very clear!

Sharing Life With Light

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Hi friends and followers,

Lol, it feels like I’m saying something like “Greetings Earthlings.”  Sorry.

I really just want to discuss some new things that are happening with anyone who has kept up or been keeping an eye on my blog here.

If you’ve noticed (or not! and no worries if you haven’t!) I have not been posting a lot to this blog.  It is not because I am abandoning it or am in the dark.  It is more that I am moving on. The light has been with me, and I have been with the light…and we’re starting to have a relationship.  And as relationships go, they take a lot of time, commitment and energy.  It’s an exciting time, especially when a relationship is so fresh and new, so I don’t want to leave you out of it.

The light has taken off in me, and I am taking off with it.  My new blog (and one which I believe is more permanent) is here.  http://www.LifeWithLight.wordpress.com.  Here, I am exploring Life With Light through my Art Therapy Journey…It’s about life, art, and what it all means to me.  (And it means a lot!)

Please feel free to join me there and connect with me as I have also created a related Facebook page where I can share on a different level and, hopefully, maybe even get to know you.

I value my relationships and connections so know that I have tested out these new waters before bringing you into the tide.  The waters at Life With Light are moving, but a lot more stable and clear.

I am ever-growing through this journey of life and I have faith that I am going somewhere (without knowing where the Light is exactly leading me) with these tears of happiness and relief even among the pain and grief that I at times still sift through.  It is all part of the beautiful experience called “Alive.”

Thank you for sharing your life with me! Hope to see you at the new pad! 🙂

 

 

 

Marinating Stories

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I want to come here often, but the time I have is so small and the amount to get out is so large, it keeps any words from forming.  No matter what makes its way to the screen it feels like something vital will be left behind.  So it all sits in the dark and waits and becomes wilted.

And then a new storm comes and the last one is old news, even if it was a F5 tornado and whole cities were wiped out.

I mean, in the span of a few days we’ve lost family members-not in physical form, but in emotional ties, and even that has not made an appearance.

There is TOO much in my life.  So it’s funny that I am constantly coming up against a theme of LOSS.

My baby sleeps.  I must choose.  Stay in pajamas with mascara circles under my eyes and work to get out words that I already know will not have enough time and space at this hour,  or run up to my room for a quick shower.

Shower trumps all.  I need to get clean so I can go out after my daughter wakes up from her nap and hopefully get sweaty again.

The stories of my life will have to marinate in it…

Somedays

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Somedays, when the days are so good, I cannot fathom coming here to spend one single second, and for that, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry because I kept it all for me and didn’t share and because I did that I also cannot come back here to see that good day in action when it has, inevitably, and once again, fallen down into the deep dark.

So here I am.  Dark again.  So dark I’m blind and dizzy.

I’m drunk with restrictions.  Restrictions of all kinds.  I’m ingest them fervently.

NO food, NO breath, NO light.

I am angry for my ability to say no to all that is supposed to be good.  Because it seems like the only thing left to say no to. Because it gets twisted and contorted into some kind of goodness to say “no” to such things.

I had a dream that included my therapist  (when I was still drunk and sleeping) last night.  The first thing I heard this morning when I opened my eyes, “Wow, you really cussed “B” out last night.”) According to my husband it was pretty intense and so loud that I woke him up and I was saying “Fuck” a lot.  Fuck.  And my day has followed that kind of feeling pattern ever since.

My dream (or rather, hearing about my dream) left me feeling very vulnerable and unsafe and alone.  I depend on the space of therapy for a lot of my stability right now.  Therapy gives me my practice space in life.  Therapy is where I can stand up and let go a little and maybe even take a few steps.  Then I grab back on as I head out the door with the knowledge that I did let go and I can risk doing it again outside those doors.

But sometimes I fucking crash and land on my head.  Hard.  And it splits open and shit gushes EVERYWHERE.

Fuck.

And that’s the kind of day it has been.  Except for I’m pretty much sure I didn’t let go of anything.  I’m pretty sure all this gushing spewing out of me is because somebody to a baseball bat to my brain.  There is not possible way this is of my own doing.

Bad day.

Really bad day.

Extremely bad day.

The kind of day I sit back at the end, now, and hope to God I’m going to wake up and my husband is going to tell me I  had this really crazy, loud dream and it won’t be real.

But my husband is upstairs sleeping, and I am not.

Maybe you’re wondering why I was drunk last night?

It’s because I had to go to a (f-ing, I’m trying so hard not to cuss because I want to be a christian girl…and fuck me, why can’t I be like those ones who never swear?) It’s because I had to go to a lovely hoity-toity fundraiser where you can buy a table to sit and immerse yourself in bullshit and bad food for a measly few grand with my husband on the “invitation” of his boss who kindly suggested this might be where we  should be on an otherwise lovely Saturday evening.

So I had to.  I had to have the first, second, third and fourth glass of Merlot.  Except for at the end when the Merlot ran out and they gave me Cab.

at least 400 calories wasted on miserable fundraiser people.  And believe me, I like to raise money for a good cause and would never complain, but the cause was not for anything with soul or heart.  It was for old money with tattoo’s in their ass crack who, therefore, had to walk around with their cheeks very tight together so nobody dare see.

I’m moody.

I think I’m pmsing.

And I think this is the worst day of my fucking life.

And I want to cuss out my therapist for no reason that I am aware of in my daily life, but I sure as hell want to tell him the fuck off!

Why?

Why why why why why.

This day  and night is so bigly bad I can’t even get into it.  This fucking little posting box is just pissing me off more because it cannot hold all that is inside me right now.

God, why didn’t I get to be a good girl?

I always wanted to be one of the ones that was sort of born that way.  One of the ones that maybe forgot once and wore a skirt two mm above their knee and not all the way to the ankle.  One of those girls who are soft and wholesome and don’t say fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck Fuck.

Thankfully Employed

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It’s taking a long time and a lot of effort to return here.  It doesn’t mean I’m not still working the path.  The path just seems to be working me more right now, and I’m getting the feeling that maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be for a while…or forever.  I just never know.

Tonight was therapy.  I did come home feeling better than when I left and better than when I was in the parking lot preparing to go in to my appointment.  Coming back feeling better than when you left is usually a good thing.  I wonder if that’s how it is when you die?  But I’m not going down into a dark place with this.  I just think it probably takes a lot of work while we’re here on earth sometimes (more for some than for others, and for me it’s the “more work for some”) to get to a point where going back is better than when I left….(left that sphere of pre-birth).

I don’t mean to get all weird.  I usually never do mean to get weird… even if usually and never are kind of double negatives, somehow.   Sometimes, grammar rocks my world, especially when I continuously use it wrong. ; )

Clearly, work is happening, regardless of how it’s happening.  And since I am doing better, hopefully that means I’m working in the right direction.

I can’t believe it’s May.  I’ve made it into the warm months.

That also means I’m almost a year post-delivery of my youngest child.  I remember thinking of things in seasons when I was pregnant.  “By the time winter is here I will have a 6 month old!”

But now my baby is almost a year and I’m starting to relinquish thinking in months and seasons a little more.  Now she’s becoming more of a little girl…even though technically she’s still a baby and maybe not even classified as a toddler yet.

***

I am doing better as far as living goes.  I think.

Up for bat is one emotion I’d rather not deal with, but which has dealt with me for some time, I think, through pain in my body.

ANGER.

I do have some.

So. Hm.

Could Anger be my “A” word?  I know that’s not the word I saw in my dream (I shared about in my last post,) but it seems to be it.

It seems like everything I’ve ever been angry about is slapping me right in the face right now.  Waking me up, I guess.  “Oh, Hi Anger.”  Anger is wanting to reconcile.?

 

Anger is one emotion I could live without.

My whole life has been hazed by it.

It can be a pretty tricky thing when you’re angry and don’t even know it.

So the anger rises and falls.

Mostly, I fall.

But I do get back up.

I’m usually not sure how.

***

I have a lot on my mind.  I feel a lot more “private” right now.  I’m working things out and things are working in me.  I’m just happy to be employed, I guess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Meaning of the Word

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It’s been a while since I’ve been able to get here.  Life has been very busy, especially in my head!

And everywhere else too, it seems.  My body, my heart.  Inside and outside.

I came out of the dark, or the dark came out of me or I just moved to another place…something somewhere has shifted and I no longer feel like I can’t go on.

I have been busy reconciling things, and it’s funny to me that the word “reconcile” popped into my brain to describe what is happening on this journey now.  I’m not sure I even know what reconcile means!  It reminds me of one of my dreams I had last night (I had many mini dreams.)  In one of my dreams, which I have to note I only remember very vaguely now, I was in a situation (can’t remember the situation or where I was, but I feel it blurry and whizzing around in my head) where I was given a pouch of words or letters and I was to randomly pick a word/letter out of the bag and do something with it.  I think I was supposed to write about it and how it related to me, in the dream.  And then I was supposed to do something else with it, I think share it with a room full of people (who I was with…don’t ask me who or where we were.)  And in the dream I only know the word was not  reconcile!  It was some other word that I did not know the meaning of…but unfortunately I quickly forgot the word (I am pretty sure it started with an “A” ?) when I came to consciousness (and a consciousness discussion is way too deep for me right now, but the consciousness issue always make me want to go on an exploratory tangent, so I’m restraining myself for the sake of sleep tonight and possibly receiving a second chance answer to what that word was from last nights dream that I can’t remember now.)

(See what I mean when I say my head has been busy?)

Anyway, where was I?

Reconcile…(from http://www.freedictionary.com)

rec·on·cile

v. rec·on·ciledrec·on·cil·ingrec·on·ciles
v.tr.

1. To reestablish a close relationship between.
2. To settle or resolve.
3. To bring (oneself) to accept: He finally reconciled himself to the change in management.
4. To make compatible or consistent: reconcile my way of thinking with yours. See Synonyms at adapt.
v.intr.

1. To reestablish a close relationship, as in marriage: The estranged couple reconciled after a year.
2. To become compatible or consistent: The figures would not reconcile.

[Middle English reconcilen, from Old French reconcilier, from Latin reconcilire : re-re- +concilireto conciliate; see conciliate.]


The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

Hm, no wonder I had to look it up.  There has not been a whole lot of this word in my life!  But I was right, as I stated earlier.  I have actually been very busy reconciling.

Might I say…it’s loaded?  “Loaded”…I’m not sure if I look loaded up in the dictionary if the definition would quite meet the depth of how I mean ‘loaded’ to be here. Because how this feels to me is not even identifiable.  It’s not of a world I have ever been in.

So, I am working on things.  I could have said that and made this post a lot more succinct, but…I’m getting into details more now, I guess.

Oh, a lot going on.  A lot I don’t even know of, a lot I am only half (give or take) aware of even, which brings us back to the whole consciousness topic, and I’m devoted to not going there tonight.

I am working on things.  I don’t know what that means yet either, it just dawned on me.

But…regardless..no doubt I am.

 

Breathe Down the Defenses.

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I haven’t been in the mood to write much.  I don’t know why. Maybe I feel vulnerable.

I surprised myself and attended all of the workshops with Max Strom I signed up for last weekend.

After “The Healing Power of Forgiveness” lecture Max presented, I stayed awake late into the morning hours because I couldn’t sleep.  I wasn’t really thinking anything, so it’s not like my thoughts were keeping me up.  I was just filled with energy.

So much energy.

I still actually feel that way, even though I have been extremely tired/wiped out at the same time.

I actually told some of my friends about Max coming to town because I had already shared about his “Learn to Breathe” DVD on Facebook before I ever knew he was coming to town.  So one of my best friends and her husband decided to come with me for the Forgiveness lecture.

It was nice to not be there alone.  It’s been so long since I haven’t felt alone in this healing process (if this process is a healing process and not something else I don’t even know yet.)  There are still times I feel really alone, but the structure of my life –and me– is changing.  I’m a lot more open these days, more uninhibited, more real (I’d say,) and less ashamed.

(As an aside, I did get to use my special Forgiveness Tissues I mentioned in my last post. I even got to share them. )

The shame waves still take me down every once in a while, but they don’t seem to be as high as they used to be.  Not as powerful.  Either I’ve gotten stronger or the shame has become weaker…or maybe both…which is extremely cool.

I’m able to step back when it feels like I’m about to go down and say, “Wait a minute, that’s shame and it’s not really mine.”  Or…which isn’t quite as fun (but no less useful)  I am able to step back and look at what I’m experiencing and see where I need to step up and grow beyond myself a little bit…or a lot, but with realistic expectations.

Oh, this growing thing.

I have therapy tonight.

I sometimes wish I could just punch things into a computer and put all the pieces together to make them whole again without all the elements having to actually go through getting where they need to be.  But then it wouldn’t be real life, and real life is what I’m after.  I don’t want just a virtual life.

The part that is so hard is looking up,  making eye contact and not just watching images interact on a screen.

In his workshops, Max actually spoke on how with the technologic developments that are going on robots are becoming more human and humans are becoming less so.   It’s easy to see and say that, harder to take responsibility for our humanity and counteract it.

Especially when so many people are hurting.

It’s sometimes seems easier (and better) to stop breathing and let the robots do it for us.I know it’s a lie.  Most things that steal true, authentic life away is a lie.

But lies can be enticing, even when you know what it is.

The lie says you can do that (in this case, not breathe) and still get away with it.

LIE.

Anyway, Max didn’t talk about lies.  He talked about breathing.  And he didn’t just talk about it.  He demonstrated and taught how to do it too.

I like lectures, but I’m always getting myself caught up in these damn experiential things! lol

A word about Max Strom that I haven’t really read anywhere else.  He’s known as a respected yoga teacher and somebody who teaches deep breathing (the kind that actually gives and sustains real life,) but nowhere have I ever seen that Max…is for the children.

Yes, Max is a teacher who gets it.

Hang in with me here as I try to explain…

He understands about the hurt and pain and struggles of our lives, but he’s not blind to the origin.  Our pasts…and most commonly, our childhood.  Without saying a word about creepy inner child stuff (Inner child stuff is not really creepy, but it has always just creeped me out.) he speaks to the inner child (through teaching breath, it’s the inner child part of us who I think has stopped breathing, and we just follow along…my words, NOT Max’s…so this part is my spin on what I learned from him this weekend)…and then once he sees that he had taught our inner child (or teenager) how to breathe…he reaches out to the children who are really in our homes.

I can’t even name the times Max directly spoke about the children in our lives and in our world who need us to breathe down the defenses of our armored lives, our armored chests.

‘Breathe down the defenses’ are my words too, but that’s how I interpreted what I learned.  And…it’s what happened in the space of the hours I was in workshops this weekend and what I’m committed to working on from here on ever-after.

I’m sure there’s a lot more that will come out as a result of what I learned.  It’s hard to put it into a summary of words because breathing (in my mind) is such a right-brained thing, even if breathing deeply takes some focused effort.  Maybe the effort lessens some after you’ve done it longer.  It’s too bad we take one deep breath when we’re born and then it seems they get shorter and more shallow as life progresses.

I say, let’s reverse that trend.

I’m going to do my part!

(It’s simple to join me.)

ps.  I don’t make any money off of this! 😉

Ready: Ready or Not

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The day has come.

I knew it would come.  I’ve prepared for it for years.

I don’t know when it hit me that I knew this would be part of the story, but the feeling/knowledge has been around seemingly forever.  Maybe it’s something as simple as breath…and it originates with the breath and wherever breath comes from.

Simple, huh…that breathing thing.

Yeah.    Right.

A couple of months ago I posted here about breathing and a guy, Max Strom, who teaches people how to breathe.

A few weeks after I discovered Max Strom and his dedication to breathing I went to a yoga class at my local studio and learned that he was coming to see me!  Ok, maybe his intention was not to come see me, but he was coming to lead some classes at the very studio I attend!

And it all begins tonight.

What begins?

FORGIVENESS.  Oh yeah, forgiveness.

Forgiveness?  I thought this was about breathing!?

It has sometimes seemed almost like a dirty word.

In the world of healing it’s one of the very biggest words I can think of…just to even think of.

Loaded.  Like guns are sometimes loaded.  Big.

Max Strom, the guy who is a respected yoga teacher who also understands the importance of breathing in life is starting off with a bang by presenting a lecture aptly titled, “The Healing Power of Forgiveness”

I have an inkling that these tissues I picked up recently are soon going to have the perfect occasion for their début.

Forgiveness Tissues?

Some years ago, after the abuse from my former therapist and after the extended stay on a (emotional) trauma unit in a hospital, I picked up a book titled, “Daily Affirmations For Forgiving & Moving On-Powerful Inspiration for Personal Change” by Tian Dayton, Ph.D.

Like I said, I knew a long time ago this day would come.  I at least hoped for it to.  It was at least on my mind.

My heart wanted to want it.

I am heart-scared.  I am the cowardly lion.

I’m walking into that realm.  I’ve had this book and scary thoughts and deep gut feelings for years that one day dealing with the topic of Forgiveness would enter onto my path.  I tried to look at the “Forgiveness Book” when I purchased it, but never really made it past the title, itself.

I didn’t know what exactly was in there, but I wasn’t ready for it.

It was foreign.  It even seemed insulting.  Yet, I still knew I needed it.  I wanted it.  I spent my hard-earned cash on it.  At the time I was single and not even close to making ends meet and I still bought this book.

Now, I know there’s no magic in this book.  There probably won’t necessarily be “magic” in Max’s lecture tonight, as much as I’m extremely excited about being in person to hear it.  But the magic-or the real scary blessing-is that the presence of this in my life has arrived.

And the timing, of all things!

And here’s another interesting tidbit.  I had even forgotten that I had the Forgiveness Affirmations book until yesterday when my 10-month old baby daughter was checking out the bookcase and started pulling books off the shelf to show me.

Guess what she handed me….

You got it!

So, tonight I’m attending Max Strom’s lecture on The Healing Power of Forgiveness.  And if you’re wondering, I did actually purchase his breathing DVD titled “Learn to Breath to Heal Yourself and Your Relationships” like I said I would in my February post. It’s still sitting, safe and sound, in the hidden darkness of it’s DVD case.  I took it out once to preview it while I cleaned the house.  I thought it looked exceptionally good and like something I really needed.  And that’s where my breathing practice ended.

But now here it is.  The real deal, living and breathing right in front of me.

And I’m ready, ready or not.

It’s going to be a busy few days.

I am signed up for tonight’s lecture on Forgiveness as well as Movement and Breathing workshops for Saturday and Sunday, consecutively titled, “Avoiding a Near Life Experience” “Transformational Breath” and “Your Next Fifty Years: Breath and Balance Workshop”

And on a completely different, but potentially related subject…On Sunday, after my workshops with Max are complete, I’m heading immediately across the street for a sewing class I signed up for (without knowing I already had all of this other stuff going on)…another skill that I haven’t mastered that I think could quite possibly be essential for life!