I am a yoga practicing, Holiday celebrating (even Halloween) Bible reader. I am basically new at all the above. I have had so much to say today I’m not sure any of it will come out right. I’ve had a lot on my mind about happiness and about how it isn’t circumstantial. I need to put this here to remind myself of it when the circumstances seem dire again. Because any circumstance can seem dire. I believe that few of them actually are. I might argue that no circumstance is absolutely dire. I’m not sure I want to take that leap just yet, but I can see myself approaching that belief in the direction I’m going. It’s like when you get a psychic reading (which I’ve only had done once almost a decade ago, and only because I was at a fair with a former boyfriend and he paid for a $5 dollar half reading so he could spend the other $5 on booze.) But I digress….It’s like when you get a psychic reading and the psychic informs you that the reading only remains reliable if you continue on the path you are on.
I’m on this path now. I’m on this path and I feel myself heading toward something much bigger. The path of “Happiness is not circumstantial and no circumstance is dire.” I’m heading toward something bigger than myself (granted, I am not that big), my knowledge (or that smart), or even a crystal ball (even the legit ones.) Knowledge is not always power. I think there is possibility for so much more power in not knowing. It seems backwards, wrong somehow with the information superhighway and Wikipedia at your fingertips. But what I’m saying is that there is dark temptation in knowing. And maybe it’s not even so much the knowing, but in thinking you know. I’m definitely not claiming to know this for a fact, but it just seems to me that sometimes knowledge becomes this big hole, and not like a black hole that goes on and on forever and fills you with wonder. (Sorry if it’s the wrong metaphor to use, I am not gifted in the “knowing about black holes” way-I just heard about them once.) But I’m just saying…well, what am I saying? Let me think. Ok, I guess what I’m saying is, “I DON’T KNOW” and find an immense opening to authenticity, life, and even God in my not knowing.
See, I think people maybe sometimes confuse knowing with the DESIRE to know. People go around saying they know God, and it just blows my mind! Really!? They KNOW God? What does that mean? How the hell? (Keeping it real.)
Once you know something what more is there? Honestly, I don’t think most seeking people want to be told about this great knowledge you (as in a general “you”) as this “Knower” have and can now suddenly impart because you are in the Land of Knowing, and I sadly, am not. And I guess that’s one of my peeves about most religion. Religion claims to KNOW so much! I’ve heard it before because I’ve gone to lots of different breeds and branches of church establishments. The second I hear from any leader that they know everything 100% for a fact my brain has emergency shut-down.
I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m trying to get out of my system here. I just feel all this energy and, awrgh! I just want to dive in! I could get hurt diving in without really knowing what I’m diving into, the synapses are clicking away on overtime and don’t show much indication of slowing down.
I’m daring to put my ramblings here to acknowledge (funny how know is within that?) that this is sincerely part of my process now. Maybe I’m saying “Show me the money!” even though I hate to repeat Tom Cruise because what I know of him repels me (and not because he’s a Scientologist either, just to cover myself.)
I just don’t know. I used to be known and know myself as a Jehovah’s Witness. I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness. And I haven’t really identified as one for over a decade since my oldest daughter was born. There’s plenty of reasons for why I left that organization even when I KNEW when I was part of it that it was RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT. (Turns out brainwashing to the mind acts a lot like knowledge.)
I’m really not sure I’ve said anything at all here. In the end this is basically my little piece of the web, or my illusory piece of the web since I know one day the rules might change and it could be taken away from me. Then it would no longer be mine. But what I’m going toward on this path as I follow it right now…what I’m really saying is that where I’m headed I believe I’m going toward something that can’t be taken away through rule-changes, mood changes, disputes, life, or death. I don’t know where it is I’m going yet. But I want to. And letting my desire be known is enough for now. I’m happy with that. That’s what it’s all about.