Even if a day is neutral in itself, I’m convinced the reality is that some of them are, indeed, good.
I have rather enjoyed mine!
More to come.
I didn’t know what I was asking for. I didn’t know this Listening and Responding Experiment would really come to meet me where I am.
While yesterday was all about the physical, today has taken me to the other side.
I had brunch with one of my best friends today. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We were in each other’s weddings. We’ve often lived parallel lives. And today, our conversation turned to God.
I’m a little funny about sharing intimate conversations in a blog, so I’m keeping this post mostly about me and where I am on this God Journey, but I don’t really believe anyone is ever on a God Journey alone. God is about relationship. It’s all about relationship. And I thank God for my friend.
God/The Light becomes more real to me the more I am in relationship. It’s funny how in the light I see so much better. Not just things, but people, are becoming more vibrant. And I really do have some amazingly beautiful friends.
Today I listened to myself as I responded to the question, “What do you think about God?”
It was definitely different to hear myself speak. It was different to have substance behind my thoughts about God. Maybe it is because God has so much more substance to me now.
So what do I think about God?
I can’t explain it. This is going to sound a little crazy. That’s what I told my friend. I told her I don’t know and that I don’t have the answers. I only know what’s happened in my life since I hit rock bottom of my darkest abyss and God was the only one with the power to save me from myself. (Let me clarify, not dogma…God. At no time in the course of recent events has anybody preached to me or even said a word about God.)
My response about God/The Light started when I was in the dark. I told my friend today, for the first time, about how I met my end (and beginning) just a couple of months ago when I was starting this blog.
I was dead. My breath had crossed the last page. I knew that it was really over and that nobody and no hospital or earthly intervention could keep me from stealing away my life. The struggle was over. Darkness became a deceptive friend, soon the only friend I felt safe enough to talk to anymore. And knew it didn’t matter what my therapist did as a therapist or how long a hospital might detain me.
The day came when the end was through with waiting in me.
My final gasp came and to the horror of darkness my dying breath called for prayer.( Maybe that one last dying breath left to use was the first breath that came into me when I was born?) I knew it was going to take a miracle to get me out, even if I still didn’t want to admit to believing in miracles. And then things started to turn around. That’s the sort of mystery part. But the miracle part is when I started letting my will go I realized that I didn’t have to fight this life anymore and could let all the struggle for control leave my body. The deception of the darkness I was in was that I was in control of everything to my final end. But in the turnaround of reaching out for prayer on my behalf (because I felt too worthless and ashamed to pray for myself, yet believed in the fight for light,) I learned I could fly. Peace and Light was alive and well, and I could have it too. I was free and it wasn’t all about me anymore. This life was mine to live, not to end. There was something so much bigger going on and all I had to really do was be present-be willing to be part of the story that is so much bigger than myself. It is really the first taste of fulfillment I’ve ever had.
The deadened pieces of me started waking up. I continue to feel the fog lift.
It didn’t happen all in one day. I’m still being transformed. I still don’t have all the answers. I don’t know everything about God (I mostly know that I don’t know, but like what I’ve experienced so far,) and Lord knows I hope I don’t know anything close to everything anytime soon because now I want to be on this earthly ground for a lot longer! When I hear the question, “What do you think about God?” as in…”Is he there…and what’s his deal if he is?” My true response is really just Awe and excitement about still being here to learn more…and any words that come out are really just me trying to regain my composure. It’s the most beautiful gift in the world. That’s what life is. That is where God is.
It’s no wonder that I couldn’t imagine living anymore without the light on.
This is the condensed version of this life affirming afternoon I got to spend in the presence of my beautiful friend listening and responding/responding and listening. We spent two and a half hours digesting life, omelets and God together….Day 3 will certainly have some big boots to fill!