Darkness and Light In The Wash

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abuse, battle, darkness, freedom, God, health, Horror, Jesus, learning, lessons, life, light, My Life, Question, reason, religion and spirituality, sense, story

What is hard is not knowing if the things happening are lessons from darkness or light.

The most empty would be if these experiences were from neither.

But i believe in the Light, and unfortunately that means there is dark too.

I keep asking the Light, “How do I make this story yours?”

And maybe I’m just not there yet because I still think there’s something – I – can do to make it be so.  The thing is, I’m pretty sure this story being His won’t have a whole lot to do with me at all.

I’m just living.  I was put here to live.  What if God simply put me here to live and breathe and just by living and breathing this story was His (or Hers…I am unsure about the gender thing with God and how that can be and such.  What if God was a Her to me?  Would She love me?  Could a “Her” love me?  Why don’t we come up with something better than Him or Her…I say Light…no gender and all genders.)

Something happened to me this afternoon that I don’t know how to put words to.  At least not yet.  And maybe a way I can gauge if something is from  Darkness or Light would be if I’m able to talk about it, specifically.  And maybe there are things from the Light that are just too awe inspiring for words, but it would leave me so lifted up so that there would be no question it was from the Light.  The Darkness is so tricky.  It’s nasty and devious and makes itself so confusing.

The Darkness leaves me jumbled and in pain.

The Light leaves me clear and energized.

The Darkness is confusing no matter how I try to make sense of it.

The Light just falls together even if I can find no reason that it would at all.

There is Darkness and Light.  Right now they are both in my life.  Battling.  It is scary to be a breathing thing with this war.  It is everywhere I go.  It is in every relationship.  Every doorway.  The battle is scary to behold, to breathe through, to contain.

I pray that the darkness would see fit to leave soon.  It is fighting hard.

It makes it so it is hard to call out to the Light.  It makes it so dark and overtaking.

I have to keep calling and calling on the Light.

That is how the Light is.  It is always there for you, but it doesn’t take control.  The Darkness is always there.  It’s disrespectful.  It will do its work without asking or being asked.  It barges in. It wrecks everything in its path to get at what it wants in you or out of you.

The Light…the Light is merely present and waiting on you.  Like a Servant.

The Light teaches me to wait.  The Light teaches me to be patient and the Light teaches me how to have an inward strength, even when I am demoralized and ransacked by Darkness.

The Darkness is immature.  The Darkness wears costumes.  It hates itself so much it can’t just be who/what it is.  It has to disguise itself as something entirely -not- itself…As Light.

Darkness is an imposture .

Light is genuine.

Light does not have to fight itself.

Light sets me free.

Darkness, I see you for you.  You may win for a while.But I’ve given my heart, my every everything to Light.

One day all this will come out in the wash.

Untellable

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battle, children, darkness, fear, God, Heart, heartbreak, Horror, hurt, Jesus, life, light, My Life, story, terror, unknown

The darkness has not hurt me by what it has actually done.  The darkness has hurt me by making what it has done into something untellable.

I know the darkness must know this.

The darkness knows our weaknesses, our desires, our hopes and dreams.

How much does the darkness know?

Will I survive?

And if I don’t survive, where will I go?  Will I see light?

My heart breaks and breaks again too many times.

I wonder about Karma.  I wonder about some cosmic beast that has had it in for me from the time I was made.  And when was I made?  Have I lived here before?  Do I just not know?  Who have I been in life?

The more I seek light the more darkness comes to take me away.

The darkness rapes me.

I see glimpses of light, like through windows.  It is always into somebody else’s home.

It seems to know I cannot break free.

I am not let in.

Where am I tethered?  Sucking the contents out of my umbilicus.  Stealing into my children’s lives where I grow them.

Nobody should touch me.  Modern day leper.

Jesus.

Please save me.

Please make this story yours.

Growing in the Light of my Creation Station

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abuse, art, assignment, change, crafting, crafts, create, creation, darkness, doll, God, growth, healing, hope, journey, joy, life, light, My Life, paper mache, paperclay, parenting, story, therapy

My morning started with a cortisone shot to my right knee, but the day was about so much more than that, and my journey is SO much BIGGER.  So this post isn’t going to be about pain today.  At least, not in the sense of darkness.

I’ve been wanting to share some other things about my journey!

See, when I get in a sort of crisis mode a lot gets left behind.  It becomes just about the struggle to survive and even if there is a lot of magic or light or magic AND light, sometimes that gets left behind in the wake of it all.  It’s what darkness does to light.

It starts to feel even more like I’m alone because there are things happening everyday that are part of the journey that, sadly, don’t tend to make it to the front page at those times.  Sometimes the bits of light get blasted. And, in all the struggle…well that’s what the struggle is to some degree.  To keep the light shining bright through the darkness.  The darkness likes to create it’s own light, and that’s an awful feeling to be trapped in that.  It tries to make everything in the world about itself…so black and tasteless.  To me, I actually think of black licorice, but that’s only because that stuff makes me puke.  And if you like black licorice then I’m sure you can think of something else that is so bad you can’t stomach it.  (So black licorice companies, don’t sue me, ok?)  It’s not actually about black licorice!

So, several weeks ago I did this thing. My therapist had asked me something like, “What makes you happy?”  Loaded!  So he made it my assignment to answer that question.  And it might be the first therapist assignment I’ve ever received that I didn’t think was bunk and a complete waste of my life.  (And it is the ONLY assignment my therapist that I’m speaking of has ever given me…so…I worked on it.)

This is part of my answer.

My Creation Station (Made out of an old built-in gun cabinet)

Tada!  Here it is!  This is what I came up with.  We recently moved into this house with built-ins in the room we spend the most time in.  It’s called the Great Room and I especially think it is great now because it’s where my “Creation Station” is.  I used to have a whole room in the basement where all of my supplies were, and I had a great big table to work in…But it was not a great room.  It was dark and cold.  It had no windows.  It housed the furnace and water and sewer pipes.  It was sort of hellish and there was a lot shit in there.  Sorry, but I’m being kind of literal.  So I think the whole time I had access to that area for my artwork I produced maybe one painting, and didn’t even finish it all the way.  I hated that room!  And guess what?  It was the room dedicated to -me-.  Eew!

So here I am now, in the Great Room with my Creation Station.  There’s a pull-down desk attached beneath the gun cabinet, and it’s perfect for me.  I had already decided that a Great Room is no place to store the bills and do lousy paperwork, so the desk sat empty and unused since we moved in…until it became what it is.

And notice the LIGHT!??  Seriously!!!  Uh yeah.  I think so!  So I’ve wanted to share this space that the light brought me into, but I’ve been stuck in hell lately, so I haven’t had much of a chance to get a word in edgewise.

So nice to meet you!

And then, I think I might have had a couple of breaks to share this with you, but I was a little embarrassed that I hadn’t actually really created anything here in this “perfect place for me to create” space, so I was resistant to the idea.

Well, folks…today it happened.

My baby is getting old enough to crawl around and explore toys on her own a bit, and I’m able to sit right next to her basically while I’m at my Creation Station, so I WENT FOR IT!

And guess what, my baby girl actually seemed to like it that I was doing something besides being stressed or anxious.  Imagine that! 🙂

And this is what came of it so far.

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It’s not done and it’s not for “fine art” purposes.  Fine Art is reserved for some other space.  Definitely not here in my Creation Station.  So please note in advance that is not what anything I do here will ever be about.  But if what gets worked on here turns out “Fine,” well, then, I most certainly will not complain.  Fine is a little boring if you ask me though.  And, after all, it is a 4 letter word that starts with F.  So let’s cut it to 3 letters.  Let’s shoot for “Fun” or for 5 letters to get “Enjoy.”  Or…two 3 letter words if we just stick with “Joy.”  Joy is good!

Yes, that works.

In the end when the face was recognizable as a face, I was holding my little daughter…and she got a great big smile and wanted to hold this creation.

I’ll take that as a sign I’m possibly on to something right.

Oh, and I didn’t even get to share that my babes has started giving kisses too (her first ones ever) and guess who got the VERY FIRST KISS!?

Moi!  That’s right.  She gave me her very first and very heartfelt kiss the other day all on her little own.  Ah, heartmelt!   Pure Joy!