What is hard is not knowing if the things happening are lessons from darkness or light.
The most empty would be if these experiences were from neither.
But i believe in the Light, and unfortunately that means there is dark too.
I keep asking the Light, “How do I make this story yours?”
And maybe I’m just not there yet because I still think there’s something – I – can do to make it be so. The thing is, I’m pretty sure this story being His won’t have a whole lot to do with me at all.
I’m just living. I was put here to live. What if God simply put me here to live and breathe and just by living and breathing this story was His (or Hers…I am unsure about the gender thing with God and how that can be and such. What if God was a Her to me? Would She love me? Could a “Her” love me? Why don’t we come up with something better than Him or Her…I say Light…no gender and all genders.)
Something happened to me this afternoon that I don’t know how to put words to. At least not yet. And maybe a way I can gauge if something is from Darkness or Light would be if I’m able to talk about it, specifically. And maybe there are things from the Light that are just too awe inspiring for words, but it would leave me so lifted up so that there would be no question it was from the Light. The Darkness is so tricky. It’s nasty and devious and makes itself so confusing.
The Darkness leaves me jumbled and in pain.
The Light leaves me clear and energized.
The Darkness is confusing no matter how I try to make sense of it.
The Light just falls together even if I can find no reason that it would at all.
There is Darkness and Light. Right now they are both in my life. Battling. It is scary to be a breathing thing with this war. It is everywhere I go. It is in every relationship. Every doorway. The battle is scary to behold, to breathe through, to contain.
I pray that the darkness would see fit to leave soon. It is fighting hard.
It makes it so it is hard to call out to the Light. It makes it so dark and overtaking.
I have to keep calling and calling on the Light.
That is how the Light is. It is always there for you, but it doesn’t take control. The Darkness is always there. It’s disrespectful. It will do its work without asking or being asked. It barges in. It wrecks everything in its path to get at what it wants in you or out of you.
The Light…the Light is merely present and waiting on you. Like a Servant.
The Light teaches me to wait. The Light teaches me to be patient and the Light teaches me how to have an inward strength, even when I am demoralized and ransacked by Darkness.
The Darkness is immature. The Darkness wears costumes. It hates itself so much it can’t just be who/what it is. It has to disguise itself as something entirely -not- itself…As Light.
Darkness is an imposture .
Light is genuine.
Light does not have to fight itself.
Light sets me free.
Darkness, I see you for you. You may win for a while.But I’ve given my heart, my every everything to Light.
One day all this will come out in the wash.