I’ve been thinking a little bit this morning. (Big surprise, right? But I promise to not go crazy with aside thoughts today.) So I ‘ve been thinking about how “Now” is Forever. I was reviewing where I’ve been so far in this year and thinking, “Wow. There have been some really small changes.” I mean, I always want there to be a big gigantic change or shift in my life and then get so overwhelmed by the impossibility of it that I never attempt anything new at all. I think it is a nasty by-product of deep-rooted perfectionism along with a corrosive effect of the failures I’ve experienced in my life.
My orthopedic doctor (Not really mine. He has at least 50 billion patients and I’ve only been in physical contact with him for about 3 minutes for him to make a diagnosis and prescribe me some pills.) gave me these pills he wanted me to take for a month and then come see him again. I took the pills and the whole entire time didn’t see any improvement in my condition. In fact, I started to feel a lot worse! Did you know those things (pills) actively work to shut down vital organs!? It goes something like, “I’ll trade my liver for a knee.” But anyway, I can’t remember where I was going with this. I think I was telling about this because I was trying to make a point about change and small effects and how being involved and paying attention in your own life is a really big deal. Oh, and that sometimes the by-product of trying to be SO MUCH BETTER can actually be life threatening. So I stopped taking the pills on my own advice and, get this, not only my liver, but even my knees have seemed to begin to improve!
How about I just be –me– right NOW. Because now is forever. I’m sure I’m going somewhere with this. I’m sure the whole pill experience is going to tie in here soon. (Maybe it has already? i experience a little euphoria induced memory loss when I think I might be on to something.) I’m just noticing that now is forever.
I get overwhelmed by wanting to be at a place in life and with myself that I haven’t reached yet and then give up in both big and micro ways. I start thinking the small changes don’t count when really the small changes are the big changes! All that small change adds up! See, I guess maybe some people are born into wealth. Some people don’t have to struggle quite so much as other people to do certain things. To accomplish certain things. You know there’s the people who had their college education paid for by their parents and then there are those who had to work full-time and eat chalk dust to make it through. Everyone’s journey to get to seemingly the same destination is different. Small change can still get you to the Taj Mahal.
I am still looking for where those pills I got from my orthopedic fit in here. I’m hoping I can stay with this long enough to figure that out. They did fit into the picture at one point. Or maybe it’s time to let it go.
I have all these excited thoughts this morning! I’m looking at the Creation Station (where I can make the art I love so much) I made yesterday between playing with my baby girl and all the other parental responsibilities, cooking, cleaning house, getting myself cleaned up, etc etc. I’m looking at this place I created for me to create and I’m so filled with a million thoughts about life and change…the small change! And how great it is! How I would have never thought about making a space in my house and life to make art just one short month ago. I never started because I thought that was too big of an undertaking. Now is forever. All the small change adds up!
The very first step in making this place in my home to do art was in my head. It was the thought, “You can, and you’re not a piece of crap. People are waiting for you to create for them!” And no, I don’t mean that I’m such a great artist that random people are just in dire need of my art. The “them” is the people in my life who I love and who love me and need me to stay alive right now. Because those people do exist. If I hadn’t made all the tiny changes starting with my own thinking and outlook I would still be where I was when I started this blog, or maybe even dead. Because when I started that’s the direction I was headed. (And note to the mental health workers out there, my therapist was an instigator in this most recent development because he asked “What makes you happy?” and wanted an answer.)
A month ago I was trying to live so hard I couldn’t live and only made living harder. I was taking the pills and swallowing them and I was feeling worse and worse and worse. I was supposed to be feeling better, but I just wanted to die. I’m not sure what the figurative pill was that I was taking. Probably the pill of “You’re no good. You can be better. But the only way for you to be better is to die.” I stopped taking those damn pills! ” Bye-bye pills, thanks for the offer of your help, but you don’t work for me!” I started going organic. I started looking at my issues in a different way. I kind of quit relying so much on what should work and started focusing on what does actually work for me. What heals my muscles? What makes my heart strong? Not dying. Not poison.
Life. Light. God. Truth. Vulnerability. Putting myself out there and being dedicated to the process. And by virtue of process…it is NOT INSTANT. The process is only NOW and now is forever!
So I go to yoga, I pray, I tell the truth here and wherever I go, I seek out the light…and I keep moving. Some days I am in a LOT of pain. It doesn’t just magically disappear. Things don’t just instantly get better because I’ve made a decision to work on being more present. In fact, sometimes it can seem like nothing is going how I want it to go and it can get discouraging and confusing and scary and I start thinking I should just start taking those stupid pills again!
But I know better. That’s the first place I see improvement. I know better. And you know what I know? I know I feel better going this route. Maybe my knees still hurt (sometimes a lot) but inside I’m still alive. Deeply alive. I’m not failing. My vital organs are not shutting down. And so I know it’s all going to be ok. Now is forever.