Today is a bad day and some days, like now, I don’t know if I’m going to make it. I was triggered pretty horrible bad by a situation that erupted last night. Actually, two situations and they both included family members and dogs. Weird. I hate how my life is so weird like that sometimes. I’m so over it being interesting. I’m so over caring about making my story followable. I’m just trying to find a way to keep me breathing. And I’m going to be honest….I mostly am trying to keep myself from suicide because I’m so afraid if I try I won’t succeed at it.
The unknowns can kill you and keep you alive.
There’s a lot left out of my story here. It’s not really even my story. I’m just tired of being in this story. I find hope and then it gets whipped away. I’m not very strong. It’s hard for me to sustain. I’m never sure where the storm is going to come from. It’s not predictable enough.
Tomorrow I might not have any idea how I could feel this way at all. Knowing that is devastating to me. It makes me feel even more sick in my life knowing that one day I am out with a cape on and the next I’m ready to stab myself through the heart and surrender to all the darkness.
It is not fun to Listen to. I, more than anyone, know this sucks.
Why do I keep putting it down and showing it then?
Because I’m fighting. I do keep telling myself this has to stop sometime.
Sometime I have to quit being so scared of my family, especially my mother. I’m less than a month away from my 32nd birthday. Doesn’t this have to end at some point?
I had a nightmare about my mom on top of the triggered drama last night.
I went to yoga this morning. My favorite class is on Mondays. I feel like it’s my only true class I attend. All the elements come together in my Monday class. It’s the teacher, it’s the style, it’s the studio, it’s the fact that it’s on Monday….
I struggled with grace and balance today.
I try to be accepting of where I am, but I still want to be through with falling over all the damn time.
And I think it was 2 weeks ago that I had the most amazing graceful class. My ability in yoga has very little to do with my physical powers. It’s all on the inside for me.
Anyway, today the tears came. Like the deepest tears just poured out. My teacher gave us extended Shavasana. Unfortunately, it pissed off the childcare person who was watching my daughter (she was the only one left at the end because everyone else with kids was in a different class.) The class ended and I had an upset, crying baby shoved in my arms and a woman pissed at me for making her late to some appointment she needed to get to, lol. I just smiled. I welcomed everyone else coming calmly out of class to my life.
So anyway, nap time is over for the day, I guess. Time for me to calm more tears. Time for me to just do what I do.
And like it.