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I haven’t been in the mood to write much.  I don’t know why. Maybe I feel vulnerable.

I surprised myself and attended all of the workshops with Max Strom I signed up for last weekend.

After “The Healing Power of Forgiveness” lecture Max presented, I stayed awake late into the morning hours because I couldn’t sleep.  I wasn’t really thinking anything, so it’s not like my thoughts were keeping me up.  I was just filled with energy.

So much energy.

I still actually feel that way, even though I have been extremely tired/wiped out at the same time.

I actually told some of my friends about Max coming to town because I had already shared about his “Learn to Breathe” DVD on Facebook before I ever knew he was coming to town.  So one of my best friends and her husband decided to come with me for the Forgiveness lecture.

It was nice to not be there alone.  It’s been so long since I haven’t felt alone in this healing process (if this process is a healing process and not something else I don’t even know yet.)  There are still times I feel really alone, but the structure of my life –and me– is changing.  I’m a lot more open these days, more uninhibited, more real (I’d say,) and less ashamed.

(As an aside, I did get to use my special Forgiveness Tissues I mentioned in my last post. I even got to share them. )

The shame waves still take me down every once in a while, but they don’t seem to be as high as they used to be.  Not as powerful.  Either I’ve gotten stronger or the shame has become weaker…or maybe both…which is extremely cool.

I’m able to step back when it feels like I’m about to go down and say, “Wait a minute, that’s shame and it’s not really mine.”  Or…which isn’t quite as fun (but no less useful)  I am able to step back and look at what I’m experiencing and see where I need to step up and grow beyond myself a little bit…or a lot, but with realistic expectations.

Oh, this growing thing.

I have therapy tonight.

I sometimes wish I could just punch things into a computer and put all the pieces together to make them whole again without all the elements having to actually go through getting where they need to be.  But then it wouldn’t be real life, and real life is what I’m after.  I don’t want just a virtual life.

The part that is so hard is looking up,  making eye contact and not just watching images interact on a screen.

In his workshops, Max actually spoke on how with the technologic developments that are going on robots are becoming more human and humans are becoming less so.   It’s easy to see and say that, harder to take responsibility for our humanity and counteract it.

Especially when so many people are hurting.

It’s sometimes seems easier (and better) to stop breathing and let the robots do it for us.I know it’s a lie.  Most things that steal true, authentic life away is a lie.

But lies can be enticing, even when you know what it is.

The lie says you can do that (in this case, not breathe) and still get away with it.

LIE.

Anyway, Max didn’t talk about lies.  He talked about breathing.  And he didn’t just talk about it.  He demonstrated and taught how to do it too.

I like lectures, but I’m always getting myself caught up in these damn experiential things! lol

A word about Max Strom that I haven’t really read anywhere else.  He’s known as a respected yoga teacher and somebody who teaches deep breathing (the kind that actually gives and sustains real life,) but nowhere have I ever seen that Max…is for the children.

Yes, Max is a teacher who gets it.

Hang in with me here as I try to explain…

He understands about the hurt and pain and struggles of our lives, but he’s not blind to the origin.  Our pasts…and most commonly, our childhood.  Without saying a word about creepy inner child stuff (Inner child stuff is not really creepy, but it has always just creeped me out.) he speaks to the inner child (through teaching breath, it’s the inner child part of us who I think has stopped breathing, and we just follow along…my words, NOT Max’s…so this part is my spin on what I learned from him this weekend)…and then once he sees that he had taught our inner child (or teenager) how to breathe…he reaches out to the children who are really in our homes.

I can’t even name the times Max directly spoke about the children in our lives and in our world who need us to breathe down the defenses of our armored lives, our armored chests.

‘Breathe down the defenses’ are my words too, but that’s how I interpreted what I learned.  And…it’s what happened in the space of the hours I was in workshops this weekend and what I’m committed to working on from here on ever-after.

I’m sure there’s a lot more that will come out as a result of what I learned.  It’s hard to put it into a summary of words because breathing (in my mind) is such a right-brained thing, even if breathing deeply takes some focused effort.  Maybe the effort lessens some after you’ve done it longer.  It’s too bad we take one deep breath when we’re born and then it seems they get shorter and more shallow as life progresses.

I say, let’s reverse that trend.

I’m going to do my part!

(It’s simple to join me.)

ps.  I don’t make any money off of this! 😉