Dear Listen and Respond Experiment,
You Suck. Go Away.
I cannot believe there is supposed to be 11 more days of this. That thought is completely devastating. I hate listening. I hate hearing myself and I absolutely hate being involved in this experiment at all in any way. Especially if it means responding.
I wish I could cry, but first I wish I could run down the street in the freezing cold at full speed. I just want these knees to let me run. Why do they keep knocking me down on the ground. And since I’m at it…Knees, I hate you too!
I don’t know what happened. It was all just going along and then it all changed.
But I can’t even tell about the day. Stuff happened today that maybe I could tell about, but I don’t give a shit about any of it tonight!
I am so angry.
I hate anger. Anger makes me angry, especially when it’s mine. Stupid experiment. Stupid Listening. Stupid not running. Stupid body. Stupid head.
This is me listening to my feelings, and this is the response you get.
GO AWAY. GO AWAY. GO AWAY.
I knew this would happen. I knew it.
No I didn’t.
But I did.
But I didn’t.
What’s so good about listening and responding anyway? What kind of idea was this? It certainly wasn’t my idea.
And God. I’m the one with questions about God. Questions like, “What do I do now, God?” And I want to sass him. I do. I want to be a big brat face sass mouth to God! 😦 But I don’t.
What does God do with fits?
What if it hurts so bad that’s all I know how to do because it’s too big and too much and my body can’t hold it in?
What if it all is roaring to come out? What if I don’t want God to go away, but there’s so much anger there I want to curse him? Why can’t he just give me the answers or make me smart enough to be like the people who know them?
I am sad and tired and angry.
Things happened tonight that made me hurt so much and angry. What do you do when things are happening and you know you feel things, but you don’t know what they are or even exactly why, even if there is an event that sets it off?
I am so upset and angry I can’t even talk about it even to type it out.
I am so upset and angry I can’t even contain it though.
And Stupid LRE I think you’re the dumbest thing on the face of the planet. I hate you, idea.
Well, now I don’t know about anything.
What about God?
Now what, God?
Now what? And why don’t you tell me?
Why do you have to keep making me figure it out? Why am I so stupid?
Yeah, and now what will they think of me?
I want to love on you, you know, but you sure do make that hard sometimes. Especially when I want to be a great big brat face. 😦
Well, I can’t tell the people in blog-land about this day. That’s too bad for me, right? Too bad.
Too bad. Too bad is all of what this night has been. Too bad.