Dear LRE: Go Away. I Wish We Never Met. But Too Bad. :( (Day 3)

Tags

anger, Bad Night, feelings, God, life, loss, Lost Dog, My Life, phone call from Dad, sadness

Dear Listen and Respond Experiment,

You Suck.  Go Away.

The End.

I cannot believe there is supposed to be 11 more days of this.  That thought is completely devastating.  I hate listening.  I hate hearing myself and I absolutely hate being involved in this experiment at all in any way.  Especially if it means responding.

I wish I could cry, but first I wish I could run down the street in the freezing cold at full speed.  I just want these knees to let me run.  Why do they keep knocking me down on the ground.  And since I’m at it…Knees, I hate you too!

I don’t know what happened.  It was all just going along and then it all changed.

But I can’t even tell about the day.  Stuff happened today that maybe I could tell about, but I don’t give a shit about any of it tonight!

I am so angry.

I hate anger.  Anger makes me angry, especially when it’s mine.  Stupid experiment. Stupid Listening.  Stupid not running.  Stupid body.  Stupid head.

This is me listening to my feelings, and this is the response you get.

GO  AWAY.

GO AWAY.  GO AWAY.  GO AWAY.

I knew this would happen.  I knew it.

No I didn’t.

But I did.

But I didn’t.

😦

Stupid Idea.

Stupid Me.

What’s so good about listening and responding anyway? What kind of idea was this?  It certainly wasn’t my idea.

And God.  I’m the one with questions about God.  Questions like, “What do I do now, God?”  And I want to sass him.  I do.  I want to be a big brat face sass mouth to God!  😦  But I don’t.

What does God do with fits?

What if it hurts so bad that’s all I know how to do because it’s too big and too much and my body can’t hold it in?

What if it all is roaring to come out?  What if I don’t want God to go away, but there’s so much anger there I want to curse him?  Why can’t he just give me the answers or make me smart enough to be like the people who know them?

I am sad and tired and angry.

Things happened tonight that made me hurt so much and angry.  What do you do when things are happening and you know you feel things, but you don’t know what they are or even exactly why, even if there is an event that sets it off?

I am so upset and angry I can’t even talk about it even to type it out.

I am so upset and angry I can’t even contain it though.

And Stupid LRE I think you’re the dumbest thing on the face of the planet.   I hate you, idea.

Well, now I don’t know about anything.

What about God?

Now what, God?

Now what?  And why don’t you tell me?

Why do you have to keep making me figure it out?  Why am I so stupid?

Yeah, and now what will they think of me?

I want to love on you, you know, but you sure do make that hard sometimes.  Especially when I want to be a great big brat face. 😦

Well, I can’t tell the people in blog-land about this day.  That’s too bad for me, right? Too bad.

Too bad.  Too bad is all of what this night has been.  Too bad.

TOO BAD.

Private Life Broadcast 101

Tags

battle, death, fear, feelings, life, My Life, private life, sadness, story, therapy, war

 

Today I can feel it coming for me.  And that’s hard to feel in the daylight, as a mother.

Maybe I should keep my struggles private, and in a way I do.  Not too many people that have met me face to face know anything much about this real life of mine.  And sometimes I get frustrated by it.  But I protect this private life so that it stays that way. There is safety in nobody knowing, and yet…being so exposed.

My little girl is especially lovely today.  And I mean that.  She’s all smiles today.  I love that little bugger so much.  I don’t know why she got stuck with me for a mom.  I really don’t know. She got me and she didn’t ask for it.  But she got me for a mom.  A mom that is fighting off demons day and night.

Maybe they are real demons and maybe they aren’t.  Maybe it’s just me and I’m evil like I was told so many times while I was growing up. It seems like I just can’t get that out of my head.  I feel ravaged.  I feel like I am waking up and I’m dying.  I was asleep all this time and now I wake up to not being able to move.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t started this journey of coming to life.  I don’t know yet if when I finally am able to take my last breath if I will hold that regret.

I think you get to both choose and not choose your life.  My mind is always seeing the same thing in so many different ways.  I see things every which way.  Maybe that is why my thoughts never rest.  Maybe that’s why I feel the weight of regret.  Because one part of me wants something to be one way and another totally doesn’t.  One part of me wants to have a relationship with my mother, another doesn’t.  And the deepness of the back-and-forth on subjects carries all the way down to life and death.

I probably can’t really explain the horror of how it feels to want to live so much, but be driving down the road fighting to not end it all.  Sometimes I actually feel it coming and getting closer to me.  Today actually, I felt it.  In some ways I can see it happening as a movie.  I sometimes have no idea of what the outcome is going to be.  I’d make a great movie.  Unfortunately, this is my every day.

I have good days.  Those do happen.  The days where things are fairly consistent.

But those are the good days.  And when there are good days…they are called good days…because of the bad days.  And those  days are a lot more normal.

I will be 32 next month.  The physical part of my life has nearly ended.  I can manage to do yoga most of the time, but I don’t know how long that is going to hold up.  Most of the time I can’t walk, but I’m still expected to.  I’m still expected to do all the things that people with no problem walking do.  But I’m in pain most of the time.  Except for the good days, and I already explained about those.  I’m not paralyzed.  But I am paralyzed and it’s basically invisible.  Except for here…here.  Here.  Here.  And I don’t know where “here” is.

And there is therapy.  I’m not really invisible there, I guess, right now.  But even there, or maybe especially there, I have to compete with all the parts of myself that want their part of the story told.   – I – actually get very little air time.  And when I do I feel I’ve wasted it.  Because what is there I can say?  It’s the same damn thing every day.  Isn’t that kind of ironic, I mean, considering the lack of consistency in my life?

I guess there’s a lot going on in my life that I haven’t shared here.  And there’s actually a lot I haven’t even shared in therapy yet.  And  I don’t know if I’ll ever really get the chance.  I want to live so much and I want this all to be over.   It was all supposed to be over by now.  I went to sleep sometime a long time ago and when I woke up it was supposed to be better.

If this is what better is then it sucks and I’m highly disappointed.

I know there’s a million and one things going on in the world, but sometimes it’s a small world. Sometimes our wars are closely fought.  The largest battles in the world are within all the earth’s inhabitants.  So this is just my war and here I am on broadcast 101.

I would flip the channel.