I have a lot of disorganized thoughts about this blog and where it’s going. I’m looking for a focus and I’m starting to be frustrated with myself that I can’t seem to stay on one track. I want to go everywhere all at one time.
I have so many thoughts and so many places I figuratively want to be through writing. Yet, all that seems left for me to talk about are petty things at the end of the day. Or the beginning of the day. It really doesn’t seem to matter what time of day I try to enter into this dialogue with myself.
I don’t know what the block is that I’m fighting against. I’m frustrated a lot. If I follow the frustration down it would probably lead back to a lot of hurt/pain/failure down through the history of my life. Maybe that’s why I avoid going there and instead have been so focused on the superficial or petty things. It seems out of my control, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s just subconscious. Is the subconscious outside of my control? It is within me right? So I must have some say over it. But I have defenses too, and where do they live?
My defenses play hide-and-seek with me. Very frustrating. Maddening.
I need more space. I don’t really know how to accomplish or fulfill this need.
The most space I get is when I am in yoga class or at therapy. Those are my two spaces right now. But even those are filled spaces. I need O P E N space.
Sometimes I want to go to yoga and have an hour of Shavasana (Corpse or Death Pose), but Shavasana usually only lasts for about 5 minutes at the end of the moving practice. I know there’s a whole branch of yoga that focuses on a sort of sleep, but I don’t have time for that, lol. I don’t have time to devote to what I actually feel a craving for. That would be entirely too selfish. And of course, since I crave it don’t I have to deny it? (The Denial Story that plays in my head.)
And in therapy, I just don’t know. My favorite times are when neither me or my therapist are talking at all. Sometimes my therapist allows this and would probably allow it more if I said I wanted or needed that. But usually when there is a quiet spot it doesn’t last long. When it’s quiet I can hear deep inside what I really want to say. It chokes me up and I have to start talking about something else. Because what if I just don’t know how to handle the fragment in my unconscious that is pushing up?
I’m not sure if I have a mental illness. I’ve been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder by several different people now, but it hasn’t really seemed like a disorder to me until I am so close to stepping out of it or at least sliding down to a lower end of the continuum to becoming more aware.
I sometimes think I have Awareness of my Identity Disorder! Sometimes I feel SO aware it makes me unable to function. So what gives? And which disorder is more functional? I guess it would depend upon what the end goal is. Is it a goal of recovering from Chronic Dissociation to just be more aware? It seems to me that awareness all on its own is pretty useless. Awareness can be drowning…especially if you become so aware that you exceed the awareness of most of the people you’re living around. And I think some would agree that walking around mindlessly numb is consistently rewarded in our culture.
So I have a lot on my mind and not a lot of space to clear out the pieces. I started out really having a lot to say about how I’ve felt lately about large aspects of my creativity and how I just am not able to find the space in my life to exercise it.
I was going to talk about the superficially maddening things. Things like housework and the mindless activities that are always reserved for my place in the family.
And another thing on my mind…my knees. All of my joints, actually. I’m in pain all the time and it’s wearing on me. My entire body is screaming almost all the time. I’ve gone through bouts of intense chronic whole-body pain since 2008. And my husband talked to me today about how when he touches me I feel like concrete.
And I am trained as a massage therapist. In fact, that’s when all this widespread body pain began…when I was in school to become a massage therapist.
I try too hard so much of the time. I try too much. My trying seems to be the very problem sometimes, I think. Because I have such a hard time just letting go.
I have a fantasy of being held in spirit. I have a fantasy that I can let go and everything about my being can be supported. I sometimes have a fascination with the brink of death.
I had a life dream of jumping from an airplane. That dream was fulfilled in 2010.
But even as I write this my husband is talking to me! I need space! I just try to cram it in wherever I think I can maybe get a bite!
The people around me don’t seem to notice that I need space. I need to cry. I need to let go, but that is a luxury.
I need to be held, and I need to let go of that need. I just don’t know how to do it yet because I haven’t had the space to figure it out.
I’m sure this is all over the place. It’s disorganized. It doesn’t link well. It’s probably not followable. But its space and it’s my space and this is where I am in relation to it.
It’s the best I can do right now.
The grace of it is….if I can do this at least I can do something.