Missing days are not the same to me now as missing days were in the past. When I used to miss days there would be a lot more going on. It might have been the same fight being waged before that is the same, still, even now, but now the fight is more focused. I’m more aware that I’ve missed a day. I’m aware of this fight over my life. I am aware.
There is still a lot I don’t understand. I’m sure there’s still a lot that I am not aware of. But I am regaining consciousness. I am a little more humble these days.
I can feel there are things coming into my life that I don’t know about. I can feel things coming, but I don’t know what they are. I used to feel things and not know what I was feeling, and not even be aware that things were coming toward me. Now I can name some feelings and I can sense things. I don’t know what the “things” are. It’s as frustrating to me as it is to anybody else trying to understand what I’m talking about.
I think part of missing the past 3 to 4 days has been about not being comfortable or willing to go with this process. Missing days can sometimes be about wanting answers on my timeline or schedule. Denying a day in my life might be about wanting to be better than I actually am at the moment. Missing days are about darkness and hiding. In the darkness is fear and death. Fear and death can be all-consuming. They can also, ironically, be life-giving if you learn from them. In a way, life and death are just physical constructs that our human minds have created to explain existence. We are all always living and dying at the same time. I don’t think life and death is the finite establishments we make them out to be. I guess I say or believe this, in part, because I have existed in both places and gone back and forth between the two. That’s not to say I have physically risen from the dead, obviously. There are boundaries and cross-over lines for everything in the world. It’s just not always so comfortably cut and dry.
I had some wild dreams last night…I just remembered. Here are some elements that were in it. An animal cage/enclosure (like at a zoo). The kind that has a sort of chain link on the exterior and a rope-web interior that completely encloses the exhibit, including the top. It was an outdoor exhibit. This enclosure housed different animals. It had monkeys or something that was relatively harmless and a big cat (that I distinctly remember knowing was female) that was ready to eat whatever/whoever came within proximity to her. It was like a lion, but I never got a clear picture. I was safe as long as I was able to maneuver in the exhibit without getting too low to the ground….
I’m still processing this dream, the last 4 days, my life…but my baby girl is waking up and my other teen daughter is sick and staying home from school today. The present calls, and the process rolls on. More later….