Sometimes I wonder how long I can or will be able to maintain denial. And will I be better once the denial is over? Because sometimes I see past the denial, or through it, and realize there is something there. I realize that maybe I really am dealing with something here, doing battle with my history…my history that I’m not really connected to.
But it’s true that my history is there. My past is ruling my present day life. In fact, it has been denied so much that it has in reality actually followed me here. And that makes me hurt. It makes me hurt for me, even though I have a hard time actually feeling for myself.
I’m beginning to think I deserve better. I am not a bad person. I’m just this person who is working hard to get through life, do and live life the right way, and…I don’t know…just live. That seems a little simplified, but I guess it’s possible for living to be a little more simple than what it is for me sometimes.
I have a hard time with simple things. The simple things always catch me up. I don’t think I’m the only one that has a tendency to do this. I see it other places. I see it in other students when I go to yoga and going through the flow of poses. I see it places. Yoga class is probably just the place I am at most consistently with other people I’m able to be with and observe on a regular basis. So seeing it at yoga is what comes to mind when I think of seeing that over-complication. Plus, I think maybe people have a tendency to over complicate (or under-simplify?) things when it comes to being good enough, just being who they are as a person.
It can get real complicated real fast for some of us, can’t it?
I know a girl (woman really, but she’s about 10 years younger than me-and I’m just old now, haha) who I went to massage school with who was the most self assured young lady I’ve ever met. I was fascinated by her! I was amazed about how somebody could be so confident and was not afraid of their own standards. She wasn’t snobby or conceited. She was just so sure of herself. And I always thought, “Wow, you’re so young. How did you get to be that way so quick?!” Lol, I guess it’s hard to believe some people are maybe actually raised up to have that kind of self assuredness.
So, sometimes…I have practiced being her, lol. I’m like…well “S” would respond this way or that way. Or “S” would look at somebody being a jerk to her and just laugh at them because they were being so ridiculous. She would think it was funny and feel bad for them that they didn’t know how awesome she was. And she wasn’t full of herself. She was just FULL.
I’ve watched many people in my lifetime in my attempts to try to figure things out and get this life. I have taken many many many internal notes. I think it’s about time I pull out those notes and LOOK at them! Study them, maybe.
And I’m wondering, if just maybe…just maybe!…it’s time for me to put a little bit of myself in the light.
Who am I and what am I doing?
Because when I’m in the light and when the past is actually in the back seat (as opposed to the driver’s seat) I am overtaken by the joy of being alive. I’m so grateful that I still get to breathe here on this earth and everything is so beautiful. And hope is copious at those times. Inspiring.
(I just have to be careful that when I think my past is in the back seat that it is not actually clinging in terror to the undercarriage of the vehicle because I have just blasted over it in an attempt to crush it into oblivion. )
I don’t know sometimes how to face things. I have a hard time doing it without something coming and grabbing me away. It’s really really hard to get a grip on. I never knew it was happening before, but I’m starting to realize that I think maybe there really are other parts of me that deal with a lot of bad stuff.
And I wish I knew how to make it better. I want to make it better.
I think everyone should get to live.
And when I am present I feel like it’s possible and safety might be attainable.
I’m starting to have a little bit more faith in people, and that’s really scary. It’s happening because of therapy. I never thought I’d be able to say that therapy was actually helping me and I would start to actually change as a result of putting myself through it. Isn’t that funny? Don’t ask me why I’ve kept on, searching for someone to finally come through with me and holding on that there could be an “other” side.
But I’m participating too. I guess I’m participating even when I’m not able to really be there in it. I’m in it (life, therapy, and everything else) by default, in a way, and I guess that’s what I’m starting to come out of denial about. I have no idea on earth how I will ever be able to accept some of the things I know even just a little about, but I don’t have to know everything , I guess. What is my role in life anyway? To be a know it all? Lol. Some might say it is!
I would half agree with them.
But, truth is, I do know some things, and I’m not just completely unknowing. I’m educated. I’ve studied and observed. It is my favorite thing to take notes (and I mentioned earlier about notes).
I have to believe that I’m going to be ok. I just can’t imagine taking on this baby. It’s a little much. It’s like, wow. Ok…ok. OK! But I guess maybe I’m overdue.
And really…that baby (my life) needs to be here with me. And I can handle it. I can take care of it. I can even love it for what it is.
I realized something simple today. I keep coming back to yoga, but again, it’s the one thing I’m doing on my own for me to heal myself and it feels good to be my own subject. It’s a way I can participate in the growth that’s happening on other levels that I’m not always aware about. In yoga I can be more aware. And that awareness is trickling over into other things.
But back to what I realized today! It’s simple. Really simple!
I noticed that I no longer have shame to pull my hair back. When I started yoga I began to pull my hair back because my hair would get in my way, and for practical purposes I moved it out of my face. I did this because there was some kind of safety in the acceptance that I needed to heal my body and my hair was getting in my way of focusing on that. I looked around the yoga class and nobody else had hair hanging in their eyes, and I didn’t think any of their faces looked grotesque because hair was not shrouding my view of them. They all looked completely beautiful to me. And they just sat there, facing the mirror.
I started to do that too. I thought, “Well, hey, if they don’t like my face they’re going to have to just not look because folks, this is all I’ve got. Yep, this is what I look like! And yep, I’m not going to be able to get around this.” It was my first hurdle. My very first yoga position.
And today I think I mastered it!
I went to class, did my thing, and didn’t even think about what I looked like without hiding behind my hair. It’s not that I was thinking, “I don’t care if my face is ugly and I’m scary looking and they’ll just have to deal with this grotesqueness.” I just wasn’t really thinking at all…
Not until the end of class and looked from the back of the room toward my reflection and thought…there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me at all!
And do you know, like 5 different women from class talked with me today! They were talking to me just like I was a normal person!
(But i have the sad awareness that just yesterday I was hiding a lethal pill stash, and that’s not really yoga class chit-chat.)
This is just one of the things I get to face in coming out of denial. It’s not easy. Understatement. Keeping it simple.
And so anyway…I have a ton to write about.
But I’m thinking about even more!
The day after a brush with death can be this way.