Sometimes I am afraid of healing.
I get excited about healing, but I don’t even really know what healing is. I think it’s a good word. It’s soft and looks soothing to me…just the word alone, written on paper. It flows. It’s nice. It’s a popular word these days.
But what is it? And it seems to cause a lot of pain? Agony even?
Healing is a scary process. I think in healing a person often doesn’t know where they are going, and sometimes doesn’t even know why they are going through variable stages of what feels like torture.
Healing, on the outside, is pretty. Prettiness is rarely what it looks like on the outside.
There should be a new word for this process that involves…so much. So much I can’t find words for what “healing” involves because it is so intense. So consuming. So powerful.
I don’t know what the word for it could be though.
Maybe Life. Maybe it’s just life and that is all it is. Life is short, curt and doesn’t jack around with “prettiness.” Maybe healing on the outside is life on the inside.
And I do know life can be beautiful.
I know it’s semantics here. I think I’m trying to find a way to get me through a sort of healing crisis. I’m at one of those stages (yet another stage of the same) where I just don’t know.
I feel things, and yet I don’t feel things. I know things and yet I don’t know things. I’m living, but don’t quite have breathing down yet. I’m moving, but kind of stuck.
I think I am getting somewhere, but what if I’m not? What if it’s all an illusion? What if I’m asleep and sleeping deeper and deeper instead of waking up?
I want to know why I protect myself this way. I wish how I protected myself felt better.
Mostly, when I go to therapy I look at my therapist and that seems to be incredibly loaded. I don’t know why, but I’m able to look at him (though he might disagree that I’m able to look at him since we’ve probably made eye contact 3 times in over a year, and only by accident!) but…anyway, I look at him and I swear things in my brain turn a million switches by just looking. I wish I could tell about what it’s like to just see my therapist. Except, well, it’s not really me looking…but then it is…but then, no, definitely not. I mean, it’s like….well, there’s just this total amazement that I’m in the presence of someone else who is alive. Does that sound crazy?
It’s been the rare time that I’ve been that close to somebody who is really alive and is…strangely enough…on the same wavelength as me. I mean, how can we be on the same wavelength?
Hmm, I don’t know.
Then I start to doubt myself. Maybe we’re not and it’s all in my head. Maybe he hates me and maybe I should get far away!
I don’t know.
There’s the “I don’t know.” Again.
I wish I could tell how much is happening in a session even when nothing is happening. A LOT is happening, and I wish I knew what it was. Why does this happen in my brain? Why is it such a humongous deal to look at another person?
I don’t think I have ever trusted another person that much.
I have trusted other people. But not like this. It’s sort of killing me!
I have never been to this place in healing, and is that what it is?? Is this healing?
Wow, I just don’t know.
I wish I could remember my life. I wish it would all stay with me. I wish it wouldn’t play hide-and-seek so much. Hide-and-seek is starting to become more scary for me. Because it’s like Hide-and-Seek Tag. And I always hated playing tag. I just wasn’t that proficient at it. I was always the one getting tagged and then when it was my turn to tag someone else everyone would get tired of playing before I could catch anyone. You know where that leaves me?
That leaves me at “You’re It!”
Oh holy hell! Let’s not play this game!
I guess I sometimes feel tagged and everyone is running from me or hiding from me or making fun of me or just leaving me altogether. And I mean this in a sort of internal way.
“Don’t leave me here like this! Come on guys, let’s finish the game! It’s my turn to tag!”
But when it came time to go inside everyone knows to tag me.
So here I am. I’m sort of wandering around and all my “friends” vanish and I’m looking at this therapist guy…who is like a therapist, but not like any therapist I’ve seen so far. I mean, for one thing, he hasn’t hurt me! He actually even helps me!
I actually am…healing.
Well, for sure it sucks enough sometimes.
So maybe I really am healing.
And maybe it’s not so bad.
There’s also God, Light, Hope within the pain even if it is a little bewildering.
Healing. It has become a part of life like no other part.
Maybe the word for it is love.