Sharing Life With Light

Tags

alive, art, art therapy, connection, healing, health, hope, invitation, journey, life, Life WIth Light, light, meaning, mental health, moving, My Life, new blog, path, purpose, relationship, therapy, value

Hi friends and followers,

Lol, it feels like I’m saying something like “Greetings Earthlings.”  Sorry.

I really just want to discuss some new things that are happening with anyone who has kept up or been keeping an eye on my blog here.

If you’ve noticed (or not! and no worries if you haven’t!) I have not been posting a lot to this blog.  It is not because I am abandoning it or am in the dark.  It is more that I am moving on. The light has been with me, and I have been with the light…and we’re starting to have a relationship.  And as relationships go, they take a lot of time, commitment and energy.  It’s an exciting time, especially when a relationship is so fresh and new, so I don’t want to leave you out of it.

The light has taken off in me, and I am taking off with it.  My new blog (and one which I believe is more permanent) is here.  http://www.LifeWithLight.wordpress.com.  Here, I am exploring Life With Light through my Art Therapy Journey…It’s about life, art, and what it all means to me.  (And it means a lot!)

Please feel free to join me there and connect with me as I have also created a related Facebook page where I can share on a different level and, hopefully, maybe even get to know you.

I value my relationships and connections so know that I have tested out these new waters before bringing you into the tide.  The waters at Life With Light are moving, but a lot more stable and clear.

I am ever-growing through this journey of life and I have faith that I am going somewhere (without knowing where the Light is exactly leading me) with these tears of happiness and relief even among the pain and grief that I at times still sift through.  It is all part of the beautiful experience called “Alive.”

Thank you for sharing your life with me! Hope to see you at the new pad! 🙂

 

 

 

Marinating Stories

Tags

choices, coping, family, feelings, history, life, loss, motherhood, My Life, relationships, stories, storms, telling, therapy

I want to come here often, but the time I have is so small and the amount to get out is so large, it keeps any words from forming.  No matter what makes its way to the screen it feels like something vital will be left behind.  So it all sits in the dark and waits and becomes wilted.

And then a new storm comes and the last one is old news, even if it was a F5 tornado and whole cities were wiped out.

I mean, in the span of a few days we’ve lost family members-not in physical form, but in emotional ties, and even that has not made an appearance.

There is TOO much in my life.  So it’s funny that I am constantly coming up against a theme of LOSS.

My baby sleeps.  I must choose.  Stay in pajamas with mascara circles under my eyes and work to get out words that I already know will not have enough time and space at this hour,  or run up to my room for a quick shower.

Shower trumps all.  I need to get clean so I can go out after my daughter wakes up from her nap and hopefully get sweaty again.

The stories of my life will have to marinate in it…

The Good Fight

Tags

abuse, better, care, change, comfort, dark, death, depression, feelings, friend, God, healing, hope, life, light, My Life, recovery, suicide, therapy, together

I am so sad that there was once a day (for many days and all day long) I truly wanted to die.

If it’s that day for you…hold on.

Things can change.  They have for me (and I never would have believed anything could be different.)

But even though I am feeling better now, I’m here to say you’re not alone.

 

Dark Humor Will Be the Last To Go

Tags

black comedy, coping, dark humor, defeat, feelings, funny, hurt, life, My Life, overwhelm, pain, pinkie finger, regeneration, relief, splinter, survival

It’s nearly a wordless night.  Probably too many feelings.  This might be when I should write the most, but don’t feel up to it.  I’ll blame it on the splinter I got at the tip of my pinkie finger today.  It hurts to type.

So I’m not going to.

But I have such a good streak of keeping up each day I don’t want to walk away.  Even if the words don’t want to come out.

I guess that’s ok.  I’d rather them come out.  Just like this splinter.

Eventually it will fester enough and something will come of it.

I suggested to my husband that I just go get the tip of my pinkie chopped off.  (Along with all the other problem areas.)

At least it made me smile. : )

Growing in the Light of my Creation Station

Tags

abuse, art, assignment, change, crafting, crafts, create, creation, darkness, doll, God, growth, healing, hope, journey, joy, life, light, My Life, paper mache, paperclay, parenting, story, therapy

My morning started with a cortisone shot to my right knee, but the day was about so much more than that, and my journey is SO much BIGGER.  So this post isn’t going to be about pain today.  At least, not in the sense of darkness.

I’ve been wanting to share some other things about my journey!

See, when I get in a sort of crisis mode a lot gets left behind.  It becomes just about the struggle to survive and even if there is a lot of magic or light or magic AND light, sometimes that gets left behind in the wake of it all.  It’s what darkness does to light.

It starts to feel even more like I’m alone because there are things happening everyday that are part of the journey that, sadly, don’t tend to make it to the front page at those times.  Sometimes the bits of light get blasted. And, in all the struggle…well that’s what the struggle is to some degree.  To keep the light shining bright through the darkness.  The darkness likes to create it’s own light, and that’s an awful feeling to be trapped in that.  It tries to make everything in the world about itself…so black and tasteless.  To me, I actually think of black licorice, but that’s only because that stuff makes me puke.  And if you like black licorice then I’m sure you can think of something else that is so bad you can’t stomach it.  (So black licorice companies, don’t sue me, ok?)  It’s not actually about black licorice!

So, several weeks ago I did this thing. My therapist had asked me something like, “What makes you happy?”  Loaded!  So he made it my assignment to answer that question.  And it might be the first therapist assignment I’ve ever received that I didn’t think was bunk and a complete waste of my life.  (And it is the ONLY assignment my therapist that I’m speaking of has ever given me…so…I worked on it.)

This is part of my answer.

My Creation Station (Made out of an old built-in gun cabinet)

Tada!  Here it is!  This is what I came up with.  We recently moved into this house with built-ins in the room we spend the most time in.  It’s called the Great Room and I especially think it is great now because it’s where my “Creation Station” is.  I used to have a whole room in the basement where all of my supplies were, and I had a great big table to work in…But it was not a great room.  It was dark and cold.  It had no windows.  It housed the furnace and water and sewer pipes.  It was sort of hellish and there was a lot shit in there.  Sorry, but I’m being kind of literal.  So I think the whole time I had access to that area for my artwork I produced maybe one painting, and didn’t even finish it all the way.  I hated that room!  And guess what?  It was the room dedicated to -me-.  Eew!

So here I am now, in the Great Room with my Creation Station.  There’s a pull-down desk attached beneath the gun cabinet, and it’s perfect for me.  I had already decided that a Great Room is no place to store the bills and do lousy paperwork, so the desk sat empty and unused since we moved in…until it became what it is.

And notice the LIGHT!??  Seriously!!!  Uh yeah.  I think so!  So I’ve wanted to share this space that the light brought me into, but I’ve been stuck in hell lately, so I haven’t had much of a chance to get a word in edgewise.

So nice to meet you!

And then, I think I might have had a couple of breaks to share this with you, but I was a little embarrassed that I hadn’t actually really created anything here in this “perfect place for me to create” space, so I was resistant to the idea.

Well, folks…today it happened.

My baby is getting old enough to crawl around and explore toys on her own a bit, and I’m able to sit right next to her basically while I’m at my Creation Station, so I WENT FOR IT!

And guess what, my baby girl actually seemed to like it that I was doing something besides being stressed or anxious.  Imagine that! 🙂

And this is what came of it so far.

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It’s not done and it’s not for “fine art” purposes.  Fine Art is reserved for some other space.  Definitely not here in my Creation Station.  So please note in advance that is not what anything I do here will ever be about.  But if what gets worked on here turns out “Fine,” well, then, I most certainly will not complain.  Fine is a little boring if you ask me though.  And, after all, it is a 4 letter word that starts with F.  So let’s cut it to 3 letters.  Let’s shoot for “Fun” or for 5 letters to get “Enjoy.”  Or…two 3 letter words if we just stick with “Joy.”  Joy is good!

Yes, that works.

In the end when the face was recognizable as a face, I was holding my little daughter…and she got a great big smile and wanted to hold this creation.

I’ll take that as a sign I’m possibly on to something right.

Oh, and I didn’t even get to share that my babes has started giving kisses too (her first ones ever) and guess who got the VERY FIRST KISS!?

Moi!  That’s right.  She gave me her very first and very heartfelt kiss the other day all on her little own.  Ah, heartmelt!   Pure Joy!

His Name in Lights

Tags

abuse, anusara yoga, John, life, news, teachers, therapy, triggered, yoga

Apparently there is some drama going on in the “yoga world” right now that I did not know about.  A certain brand of yoga called Anusara Yoga, and it’s  founder named John Friend, is having a real go of it right now.  I can’t comment much about it because I don’t really know much about it.  I went to yoga class tonight and heard my teacher and another student talking…so I came home and looked it up.

I don’t know the exact allegations that were made against this guy, John Friend (unfortunate about his name,) but I can say that he is one of the “names” I was referring to have looked up in my post from yesterday…and when I looked him and his Anusara site up he really gave me the creeps.  I mean Anusara looks pretty good on the outside for what it’s supposed to encompass, but when I delved into the legalities and makeup of it on the inside it felt all wrong on a gut level.

Maybe it was his name.  The name John always leaves me feeling incredibly sick…but I really did feel it from this Friend guy too.  And I have nothing to gain or lose by not liking him.  I’m not actually IN the yoga world.  I just started going to yoga classes regularly a month ago to try to heal my knees.  And I really have no space in my life to get wrapped up in any more drama than what already exists within it.  I mostly just thought,  “Whoa, I was just talking about all that guru popularity contest shit just yesterday and I didn’t even know anything about all this!”

It was just timing, I guess.  So if you read what I wrote yesterday it had nothing to do with this current controversy.  I was saying that stuff about ego (and the denial of having one) as being dangerous on my own.  And maybe my ego wants to make that clear, lol.  I do have an ego.  I think everyone has an ego.  But I don’t want to go all Freud here.  Blah blah blah.  I’m so sick of the well-known all-knowing  assholes.  Who really gives a shit what they say?  And I’m super sick of the genius sort.  Fuck them.

Apparently that’s all those dudes really do though.

So nevermind.

Ugh.

I’m triggered.  I’m just going to say it.  I’m majorly triggered.  I’m going to say it.  I’m just saying it because I’m trying to push it away and I don’t want to be so I keep thinking if I just say it and bring it to light then it can’t get me, right?  If I just keep saying over and over and over that I’m triggered then maybe it won’t take me down the raging rapids with it.

Sometimes I don’t like people.  I’m just going to say that too.  Sometimes I don’t feel loving or forgiving or hopeful or the least bit good.  Sometimes I feel angry and angry and just plain like I’m going to come unglued bullets are going to fly out of every seam.

This happens sometimes when you’ve been totally fucked too many times.

Some people don’t get it.  That sweet little girl you fucked over and abused….yeah.  No words.  No words. But just you wait.  I’m getting them.  They are there and I’m gathering them.  And someday…someday they are going to come out.

I am so sick of being in this silence.  I am so sick of nobody knowing.  To “my” John, if you’re out there.  I want your name in lights too.  I want your name in god damned lights.

And no secret will be kept sacred.

Lost Time

Tags

consciousness, expression, feeling, life, memory, poetry, subconscious, writing

Memory plays in a blank canvas chasm.

Spotless and afraid of touch.

Blocked from consciousness.

Gated from light.

Cast into space.

Memory- a tree falling in an empty forest.

Time-the riddler laughing at black words on black.

Evaporating ink spilling from my throat.

Ghost children hopping branch to branch.

Breathlessly dancing from the pit of my tongue.

Twisted into the belly of the abyss.

Wrenching my gut.

Snipping the chords of life.

Sucking air.

Second death.

Love, Learn, Live…and Laughing isn’t half bad either.

Tags

God, learning, life, My Life, Teacher, therapy, yoga

I’ve had a hard time finding space today, but had a beautiful day at yoga.  I’m starting to find the classes and teachers I like the best and find the fit that is good for me with where I am in healing (physically and mentally) right now.  I’m starting to really love the Monday morning class I’ve gone to a few times.  It’s called Gentle Hot Yoga and it’s taught by the owner of the studio.  Not enough can be said for good teachers–in yoga–as with anything.  But since I have some injuries I especially appreciate a teacher who can–Teach.  Lead.  Guide. Inspire.  Make a Difference.

I love to learn.  If  I had to make a spreadsheet or diagram for all the many things I love, (and I do mean things–not people.  Because I wouldn’t put my love for things above people.) learning would probably be at the head of every category.  It’s the center of everything. (And I do love learning about people too.)

I love exercising my mind.  I like taking it to new places and stretching it.

Unfortunately, it really sucks when it snaps.  And sometimes my brain does snap on me.       I’m not sure what the healing time for a person’s brain snapping is supposed to be.   Hm.  Maybe I will ask my therapist about that one tomorrow during my session.

But before I go down another path with this…Today I felt strong.  I love swimming in that space (nevermind that I can’t actually swim and have panic attacks in the water even when a teacher/lifeguard is right beside me.)  I’m trying to focus here!  I’ve had problems focusing today…except for when I was in yoga class.

I love that feeling of swimming in the space of my body on my mat with the energy of other people right next to me and yet still feeling like me and my soul are swimming safely alone in this warm, comforting surrounding water of newness and possibility.  And I’ve said it before, but I absolutely love being guided to awareness of what my body is doing–or what I am doing with my body.  “Drop your shoulders” “Keep your back leg straight”  “Lower your gaze to the floor” .  I can look in the mirror, see myself–and respond.  I love responding!  I love how I can feel the shift from being on automatic in a stressed or armored stance and then come into awareness and find freedom.

And here’s another surprising development.  I really enjoy seeing myself.  I am by far not the smallest person in the room (which used to be a ridiculous standard I compared everything else against.)  I’m not the most fit, knowledgable or graceful person in class, I’m sure of that.  But when I look at myself during a yoga class I’m able to find the place to honor where I am.  I am able to be proud of myself that I am there and doing it, and comparison doesn’t enter in.

I used to take yoga classes very sporadically in years past and it was always about being worried about measuring up, being ashamed of my inevitable failings, and even (though I hate to say it) competition with others for what I could do as a newbie.

Thank God I am maturing!

It’s unfortunate that I absolutely believe I had to be struck at the knees to gain any wisdom.

I’m finally beginning to settle in to my limitations.  I was always one of those people who had no physical boundaries…and just typing that…I guess it makes a lot of sense, huh…considering all the abuse stuff.   But I would push myself physically as if I didn’t even have a body at all.  It never mattered to me when my body hurt because I couldn’t really feel it.  My mind and my body were completely separate.  But I didn’t know that years ago.  I mistakenly thought that meant I was strong.

Oh life, how it will really dismember you into hell if you don’t pay attention.

So here I am, almost 32 and basically my body decided to quit.  My mind? I don’t even know what’s going on with it.  Everything just got called off.

And now…now.  NOW.  Now I get to be a baby again.  It’s a little complicated, for sure, especially when you’re already dedicated as a wife and mother.

BUT I’M RE-LEARNING EVERYTHING.

Ha!  I didn’t even know it would come back to that!  But here it is.  And this is where I am now.  Laughing because everything is so right.  I’m thankful I love learning so much because there’s so much of it I need to do!

This reminds me of a quote going around the web that’s ascribed to Buddha which says, “When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”

My One Life

Tags

dissociation, family, life, My Life, switching, telling my story, truth, Understand

The excited thoughts are gone today, and now the thought “Now is Forever” seems daunting.  I miss the excitement.  I know it was there and when it was there it was real.  I know it.  Being aware and remembering that it was there is difficult when now it’s so far away.  Especially when I’m not really sure I agree with yesterday’s revelations.  It’s difficult to see it.  Hard to explain even when it’s right in front of my eyes.

I just have to keep going one step at a time.  Everyday I just hang on for the ride.  I’m embarrassed by it.  I guess this is why not many people know me.  If the people who “know” me read this they probably wouldn’t know who I am.

It’s like the basic values remain, but the details are alterable.  It’s pretty consistent that i want to be whole and be recognizable as “me”, but the course of getting there is all over the place.  One “me” thinks that dying is the best way to accomplish that goal.  Another thinks the avenue is creating art.  One wants to be an active social activist.  One wants nothing more than to live the quiet existence of being a wife and mother and no more.  And still yet, one (or more) has a hard time recognizing herself as grown up at all.

I’m not a freak.  I’m just a person(s).  Some people might not understand this.  I already know that.  That’s part of why it’s such a secret.  But I also know i’m not alone….not within me or outside of myself.  I am not alone.  Nothing could be truer.  Nothing could be more real.

I’ve gone down many roads in my lifetime.  Ultimately, I know there is just one of those  lifetimes (at least this go-round) and there’s nothing I can do to change that.  Down every road I go I carry just this one lifetime and the weight of it all.

Living is a responsibility.

I take care of living.  I take care that I don’t shirk my responsibilities.

So I’m not excited this morning.  And I think I’m catching the stomach bug that’s going around.  Yesterday my baby girl got it and shared it with an entire restaurant full of people when she puked all over the place during lunch.  At least only one person chose to be uncivilized about it and threw a scene about “impurities” being all over the place and loudly making demands of everyone in the establishment.  Gee, my baby got sick and we didn’t know it ahead of time…so I’m feeling a little cranky about people today.

I was switching a lot yesterday.  That’s the term I use (but really never ever say) for when different ones inside me are…switching.  Which means I’m me, but not exactly me and rapidly going down different roads (or lanes of thinking) within the same space.

Things are hard right now, oddly enough I think, because I’m starting to become better and more whole.  But I don’t really know what that means yet.  That’s part (a lot of) what this blog is about.  I’m hoping it means I can be who I’m really supposed to be.  I’m hoping it means that my life can say the things it was put here to say in this world.  I know I have something to say/share, but I just don’t know how it’s going to be accomplished yet.

I hope this makes some kind of sense.  I have to accept that maybe people won’t understand and that sometimes when things aren’t understandable it can bring out a lot of scary or not so nice reactions.  I understand that not understanding is uncomfortable.  And who doesn’t like to be comfortable?  I get upset about it sometimes too.

Anyway, I have this day to deal with.  A child to play with.  A husband to talk to.  A house to pick up.  A body to take care of.

And this is my life.  My one life.  That’s all I’ve got to offer.

NOW is FOREVER and All that small change adds up!

Tags

change, excitement, feeling, hope, journey, life, Small Changes

I’ve been thinking a little bit this morning. (Big surprise, right?  But I promise to not go crazy with aside thoughts today.) So I ‘ve been thinking about how “Now” is Forever.   I was reviewing where I’ve been so far in this year and thinking, “Wow.  There have been some really small changes.”  I mean, I always want there to be a big gigantic change or shift in my life and then get so overwhelmed by the impossibility of it that I never attempt anything new at all.  I think it is a nasty by-product of deep-rooted perfectionism along with a corrosive effect of the failures I’ve experienced in my life.

My orthopedic doctor (Not really mine.  He has at least 50 billion patients and I’ve only been in physical contact with him for about 3 minutes for him to make a diagnosis and prescribe me some pills.) gave me these pills he wanted me to take for a month and then come see him again.  I took the pills and the whole entire time didn’t see any improvement in my condition.  In fact, I started to feel a lot worse!  Did you know those things (pills) actively work to shut down vital organs!?  It goes something like, “I’ll trade my liver for a knee.”  But anyway, I can’t remember where I was going with this. I think I was telling about this because I was trying to make a point about change and small effects and how being involved and paying attention in your own life is a really big deal.  Oh, and that sometimes the by-product of trying to be SO MUCH BETTER can actually be life threatening.  So I stopped taking the pills on my own advice and, get this, not only my liver,  but even my knees have seemed to begin to improve!

How about I just be –me– right NOW.   Because now is forever.  I’m sure I’m going somewhere with this.  I’m sure the whole pill experience is going to tie in here soon.  (Maybe it has already?  i experience a little euphoria induced memory loss when I think I might be on to something.) I’m just noticing that now is  forever.

I get overwhelmed by wanting to be at a place in life and with myself that I haven’t reached yet and then give up in both big and micro ways.  I start thinking the small changes don’t count when really the small changes are  the big changes!  All that small change adds up!  See, I guess maybe some people are born into wealth.  Some people don’t have to struggle quite so much as other people to do certain things.  To accomplish certain things.  You know there’s the people who had their college education paid for by their parents and then there are those who had to work full-time and eat chalk dust to make it through.  Everyone’s journey to get to seemingly the same destination is different. Small change can still get you to the Taj Mahal.

I am still looking for where those pills I got from my orthopedic fit in here.  I’m hoping I can stay with this long enough to figure that out.  They did fit into the picture at one point.  Or maybe it’s time to let it go.

I have all these excited thoughts this morning!  I’m looking at the Creation Station (where I can make the art I love so much)  I made yesterday between playing with my baby girl and all the other parental responsibilities, cooking, cleaning house, getting myself cleaned up, etc etc.  I’m looking at this place I created for me to create and I’m so filled with a million thoughts about life and change…the small change!  And how great it is!  How I would have never thought about making a space in my house and life to make art just one short month ago. I never started because I thought that was too big of an undertaking.  Now is forever.  All the small change adds up!

The very first step in making this place in my home to do art was in my head.  It was the thought, “You can, and you’re not a piece of crap.  People are waiting for you to create for them!” And no, I don’t mean that I’m such a great artist that random people are just in dire need of my art.  The “them” is the people in my life who I love and who love me and need me to stay alive right now.  Because those people do exist.  If I hadn’t made all the tiny changes starting with my own thinking and outlook I would still be where I was when I started this blog, or maybe even dead.  Because when I started that’s the direction I was headed.  (And note to the mental health workers out there, my therapist was an instigator in this most recent development because he asked “What makes you happy?” and wanted an answer.)

A month ago I was trying to live so hard I couldn’t live and only made living harder.  I was taking the pills and swallowing them and I was feeling worse and worse and worse. I was supposed to be feeling better, but I just wanted to die.  I’m not sure what the figurative pill was that I was taking.  Probably the pill of “You’re no good.  You can be better.  But the only way for you to be better is to die.”  I stopped taking those damn pills! ” Bye-bye pills, thanks for the offer of your help, but you don’t work for me!”  I started going organic.  I started looking at my issues in a different way.  I kind of quit relying so much on what should work and started focusing on what does actually work for me.  What heals my muscles?  What makes my heart strong?  Not dying.  Not poison.

Life. Light.  God.  Truth.  Vulnerability.  Putting myself out there and being dedicated to the process.  And by virtue of process…it is NOT INSTANT.  The process is only NOW and now is forever!

So I go to yoga, I pray, I tell the truth here and wherever I go, I seek out the light…and I keep moving.  Some days I am in a LOT of pain.  It doesn’t just magically disappear.  Things don’t just instantly get better because I’ve made a decision to work on being more present.  In fact, sometimes it can seem like nothing is going how I want it to go and it can get discouraging and confusing and scary and I start thinking I should just start taking those stupid pills again!

But I know better.  That’s the first place I see improvement.  I know better.  And you know what I know?  I know I feel better going this route.  Maybe my knees still hurt (sometimes a lot) but inside I’m still alive.  Deeply alive.  I’m not failing.  My vital organs are not shutting down.  And so I know it’s all going to be ok.  Now is forever.