I’ve come upon some hard places this week. These “places” are still in the darkness, but the light is shining in and I don’t know what to do with the silhouettes I see. Things feel black and white and have sharp edges.
There’s something about coming to God and showing up to my spiritual journey that makes my reality clearer and tougher to see at the same time. Somehow God time leads back to the heart. This journey has a way of going around all the wired reasoning that can keep things grounded in things that don’t change. This journey is starting to change me. I’m having to face some really unpleasant realities which my brain isn’t always too pleased about. My heart opens and feels more pure for the insight, but my brain struggles to take it all in. What to do with all this new information?
My therapist said something last Tuesday that has haunted me all week. He was using a metaphor to try to describe something to me, and now I don’t even know what the original topic was totally about. I don’t remember the conversation we were having, but I remember this one part of what he said because it kind of made everything inside me stop. It made my heart stop. He was relating something to being like “that feeling when you really want to kiss a boy you like but you’re scared to. ” I think he was relating it to my experience with God. It stopped me dead in my tracks because as he was saying this my heart dropped. I’m married and I couldn’t even connect with what he was saying. And I thought, “Shouldn’t I know something about this feeling of want he’s speaking of?”
It flashed up all these images of “boys” I’ve kissed. My therapist was sitting there talking about some other completely different topic (or is it?) and all I could see, one by one down the line, was boys I had kissed who I hadn’t even wanted to. My heart literally seemed to stop. I wanted to say something. I wanted to say, “No. I don’t know that feeling,” but I couldn’t. My words were all bound up and nothing made sense. Eventually he seemed to catch on that particular feeling-example wasn’t clicking with me and moved on, and the images sort of fell away….but the feeling and remembrance of having not wanted to “kiss a boy” but doing it anyway has not left me. I’ve tried to get it (and the feelings it brought up) to go away, but the light keeps following it.
I remember kissing different boys and dying a little inside. Sometimes I died a lot. The cliche “kiss of death” comes to mind. And maybe this wouldn’t be such a hard thing to think about if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m married. But I am. Shouldn’t I at least be able to conjure up the memory of passion for my husband? I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed. It feels more frightening to think about than a lot of other things in my life, and I’ve been through some pretty hellacious stuff.
I’m dedicated. I’m committed. I love my husband. But I don’t know what this is about…this lack of memory of desire. It’s had to have been there before. It had to have existed at one time, right? Right??? I wish the light would go away. Maybe darkness is better. It’s more solid and reliable….It stays dark. It doesn’t form dependable things into uncertain shapes.
I look at the depression I have been carrying around with me. I know that I’ve felt so disconnected from my husband, but the saddest part of it all is how disconnected we have been from the start. And now that I’m reconnecting to myself and especially to the deeper aspects of me I feel even more alone and apart. The disconnection I have with my husband is becoming more pronounced.
I’m trying to learn through it. I’m trying to understand what this means for me and for us and our family. I know I’m not going anywhere. I know I’m not ending this relationship. I’m just not quite understanding how this is going to work out. How am I going to get better, become more whole and start really living life if our relationship is not intact. I am so committed to him that I think if our relationship isn’t connected as it needs to be then I can’t really be where I need to be as a connected individual either. I don’t know what to do about this situation.
I live alone in my days and in my nights. It’s not just me who knows this. We’re both aware, but I seem to be the one more bothered by it. I crave so much more. I suppose I am the more addicted one.
I want more out of everything. I have always known that living with somebody and being lonely is much more painful than living alone. Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it will pass and one day I’ll wake up and I will no longer be alone anymore. I keep hoping this is something within me so I can make it change and fix myself to take care of this issue. Everyday when I am working to connect with my husband and it’s not working I relive the pain of my life when through all the years of all of my years I was yearning for somebody to love and hold me…because they wanted to. Because I had value to them.
I think that I do have value to my husband. I think deep down I do. I don’t think it’s really so much a matter of us not loving each other. It’s the connection thing that gets in the way, lol. It’s like we each go in for a kiss and miss each other’s face and fall head first flat on the ground with no arms ready to catch ourselves because we thought we were going to lean into each other. It hurts terribly and our only connection ends up being the betrayal we both feel after the fall. Sometimes I think I feel that fall more deeply because I’m the one focused on making connections. I think in the beginning I desired him and desired him intensely, but after so many falls I have come to not look forward to the miss so the entire experience and memory of “the kiss” is coming close to being wiped out and changed.
Anyway, I love my husband. I want him. I want his want for me.
And I’m putting this here because surely I’m not the only one in the world experiencing something like this. And I’m putting this here because everything I write, even if not seemingly hopeful in the moment….is about hope. It’s here because I believe in the process and I believe in telling the truth-The truth as well as I can possibly know it.
I’ve gone through my life with so many things happening and such little recall for how it occurred. I’m not leaving myself anymore. I’m staying with me. I’m going to love myself enough to connect with who I am and I think when I can do this I’ll be better able to take my husband’s hand and walk this path together.
It is dark and sharply painful now, but two people going down a path holding hands is a soft silhouette I have hope of creating. I get the feeling this will probably have something to do with God after all.
Maybe we should just sing this song to each other! I couldn’t help but think of this song as I was writing!