The excited thoughts are gone today, and now the thought “Now is Forever” seems daunting. I miss the excitement. I know it was there and when it was there it was real. I know it. Being aware and remembering that it was there is difficult when now it’s so far away. Especially when I’m not really sure I agree with yesterday’s revelations. It’s difficult to see it. Hard to explain even when it’s right in front of my eyes.
I just have to keep going one step at a time. Everyday I just hang on for the ride. I’m embarrassed by it. I guess this is why not many people know me. If the people who “know” me read this they probably wouldn’t know who I am.
It’s like the basic values remain, but the details are alterable. It’s pretty consistent that i want to be whole and be recognizable as “me”, but the course of getting there is all over the place. One “me” thinks that dying is the best way to accomplish that goal. Another thinks the avenue is creating art. One wants to be an active social activist. One wants nothing more than to live the quiet existence of being a wife and mother and no more. And still yet, one (or more) has a hard time recognizing herself as grown up at all.
I’m not a freak. I’m just a person(s). Some people might not understand this. I already know that. That’s part of why it’s such a secret. But I also know i’m not alone….not within me or outside of myself. I am not alone. Nothing could be truer. Nothing could be more real.
I’ve gone down many roads in my lifetime. Ultimately, I know there is just one of those lifetimes (at least this go-round) and there’s nothing I can do to change that. Down every road I go I carry just this one lifetime and the weight of it all.
Living is a responsibility.
I take care of living. I take care that I don’t shirk my responsibilities.
So I’m not excited this morning. And I think I’m catching the stomach bug that’s going around. Yesterday my baby girl got it and shared it with an entire restaurant full of people when she puked all over the place during lunch. At least only one person chose to be uncivilized about it and threw a scene about “impurities” being all over the place and loudly making demands of everyone in the establishment. Gee, my baby got sick and we didn’t know it ahead of time…so I’m feeling a little cranky about people today.
I was switching a lot yesterday. That’s the term I use (but really never ever say) for when different ones inside me are…switching. Which means I’m me, but not exactly me and rapidly going down different roads (or lanes of thinking) within the same space.
Things are hard right now, oddly enough I think, because I’m starting to become better and more whole. But I don’t really know what that means yet. That’s part (a lot of) what this blog is about. I’m hoping it means I can be who I’m really supposed to be. I’m hoping it means that my life can say the things it was put here to say in this world. I know I have something to say/share, but I just don’t know how it’s going to be accomplished yet.
I hope this makes some kind of sense. I have to accept that maybe people won’t understand and that sometimes when things aren’t understandable it can bring out a lot of scary or not so nice reactions. I understand that not understanding is uncomfortable. And who doesn’t like to be comfortable? I get upset about it sometimes too.
Anyway, I have this day to deal with. A child to play with. A husband to talk to. A house to pick up. A body to take care of.
And this is my life. My one life. That’s all I’ve got to offer.