Please listen to this song before, during, or after you read this post!
I’m Holding On…but not holding on. I don’t wanna wait!
I guess this can’t wait till tomorrow, even though I’ve already posted once today. It feels like I have a lot to say, but it could end up just being a couple of sentences worth. It depends on how much I can allow myself.
Earlier today I posted about my dog being taken away from me and the loss of it. But if I had known the whole story, if someone would have told me ahead of time about it happening, I would have washed him up really good and put a bow on him for his arrival to his new family.
Scotch brought me a lot of love in a time when I needed it so badly. He made me get up everyday (not that I didn’t have other responsibilities, but there’s nothing like pee and poo on the floor for motivation) and take care of things. Even on the days I was alone I was never alone. He helped me not be scared inside and outside my house. I was single and lived alone, have been abused and even had a stalker before so I lived in a lot of fear sometimes. He was a ferocious barker and heard every little noise, so I felt good knowing I’d know if anyone was ever snooping around or trying to break in. He opened up my world because I used to be too scared to go for walks or barely step outside my house alone because I was that terrified. When Scotch came into my life I was suddenly able to go on walks, freely, and even look people right in the eye. Even when he was a little puppy…though he was always pretty big! I was able to go to the big park in my area and go on trails when I NEVER would have done that before I had him. He gave me a sort of family to be with on the days when my oldest daughter was gone visiting her dad. He was also a catalyst to connecting with other people because he was such an attention grabber. He was adorable and friendly and absolutely loved to meet new people wherever we went. Definitely not something I used to excel at! When Scotch was with me I could talk to anybody, and pretty much did. Scotch was my connection. He was my “someone” to hold onto and love on. In some way he also made me feel worth something because, well…he was just that cool and somehow I was lucky enough to have him in my life! I loved him a lot. I still do. I hope he knows it, even though I didn’t get to tell him goodbye. And even though our relationship changed when I had my sweet amazing baby girl.
The part about not being able to say goodbye still makes me so sad. It probably will for a very long time
But there’s more to this story. A lot more.
Here’s where it gets interesting. Scotch had to spend a lot more time in his crate when I got largely pregnant and when the baby was born because he was such a hefty guy and could pack quite a punch when he jumped up, even innocently, onto a person. And he sometimes did that without a ton of warning. It just wasn’t a risk that could be taken. We tried training and things, but it just wasn’t certain enough that he would be gentle enough all the time.
Some time passed and life moved on and circumstances came about that a couple of people in my husband’s family were in a place to care for Scotch who didn’t have kids or other commitments. They liked Scotch and could take care of him so they asked to keep him for us. It made the most compassionate, logical sense, so that’s what we did.
A couple of months passed and it turned out one of the people in Scotch’s new home was allergic to him. So something had to be done about it, and the conclusion was that he’d have to find a new home.
This is where the breakdown in communication began. Or…stopped.
I’m still not really sure what conversations took place because my husband tells me one story and I hear another story from the other family members, but the end result was that Scotch was given to a Golden Retriever Rescue without my knowledge or permission. That’s why I didn’t get to say goodbye.
But it’s also why I wish I would have known so I could have made him a pretty bow to wear to his new home. Definitely a different take I had on the situation before I knew what comes next in this story.
So later tonight, after I posted my last post, I learned that my sweet big boy, Scotch, went to live with a family that lives on 15 acres of land and has three kids whose dad is dying of cancer. Apparently, it was Scotch’s time for a new job. I know he’s where he’s meant to be now. If I had known he was going I would have loved to give him a hug and kiss and snap a few last photos to keep with me forever, but as fate had it that didn’t happen. But more than anything, I really wish I could have sent him off with a new handkerchief tied around his neck and new haircut and a bow on his head.
I’m so sad in the “going to miss him” department, but it’s where he’s meant to be and i don’t know how I can possibly stay sad for too long about that. I think it just goes to show that animals are part of God’s kingdom, as well. There is nothing on this earth that doesn’t have a purpose. And I’m not sure if our purpose changes, but maybe our jobs do sometimes. We go to different places and do new things. Sometimes it feels like we’ve been abandoned by God or our family only to find out that there is a whole lot more love out there just waiting for us, right?
I’ll answer that one. Because I need to answer it for myself now.
Right. Right is the answer.
You just gotta Hold On.
So I will always remember Scotch and hold him in my heart and when I think about him at his new job and in his new home I will always smile. He’s doing something important, just like we all are, I guess, even if we don’t know it. Scotch was there for me when i needed him most. He got me through a lot of things, and i could list even more than I did in this post. Oh wow, I loved him up a ton. I was so proud of him. And he was proud of himself, I think, in being there for me. He knew me so well.
What was Scotch feeling when the woman came to pick him up and he was transported in a car he’d never seen and smells he’d never smelled and ate new food he’d never eaten? He was probably scared and sad, maybe he was a little angry even, but I think that’s mostly a human emotion.
So I’m going to try to find as many lessons in this experience as I can. When I feel unwanted or abandoned or scared or sad, or even maybe angry…I can know that maybe I just didn’t get the primping I maybe would have liked or the definite reassurance from God or family that I was going somewhere good before the transport, Where am I going? I feel vulnerable. I don’t know where I’m being taken on this ride. ” Am I going to slaughter? Am I meat for a dog fight? I’ve been abandoned! Nobody loves me.”
“You got to come on up,” as the song says.
Hold on and don’t get all in a tizzy. I’m good at tizzies though. And maybe even tizzies have a purpose in the big scheme of things.
Life is not static. Sometimes that’s good, like when you’re watching TV or listening to a radio. Nobody wants static there. But try walking along a tight rope without static. Whole different story. So Hold. On. Sometimes you gotta hold on, get back up and let go all at the same time.
Life is not always a tight rope walk. But I think that sometimes it certainly is. A lot of stories and experiences in life are worthy of a “Hold On” song.
Me and Scotch on the night he came to live with me!