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It’s been a while since I’ve been able to get here.  Life has been very busy, especially in my head!

And everywhere else too, it seems.  My body, my heart.  Inside and outside.

I came out of the dark, or the dark came out of me or I just moved to another place…something somewhere has shifted and I no longer feel like I can’t go on.

I have been busy reconciling things, and it’s funny to me that the word “reconcile” popped into my brain to describe what is happening on this journey now.  I’m not sure I even know what reconcile means!  It reminds me of one of my dreams I had last night (I had many mini dreams.)  In one of my dreams, which I have to note I only remember very vaguely now, I was in a situation (can’t remember the situation or where I was, but I feel it blurry and whizzing around in my head) where I was given a pouch of words or letters and I was to randomly pick a word/letter out of the bag and do something with it.  I think I was supposed to write about it and how it related to me, in the dream.  And then I was supposed to do something else with it, I think share it with a room full of people (who I was with…don’t ask me who or where we were.)  And in the dream I only know the word was not  reconcile!  It was some other word that I did not know the meaning of…but unfortunately I quickly forgot the word (I am pretty sure it started with an “A” ?) when I came to consciousness (and a consciousness discussion is way too deep for me right now, but the consciousness issue always make me want to go on an exploratory tangent, so I’m restraining myself for the sake of sleep tonight and possibly receiving a second chance answer to what that word was from last nights dream that I can’t remember now.)

(See what I mean when I say my head has been busy?)

Anyway, where was I?

Reconcile…(from http://www.freedictionary.com)

rec·on·cile

v. rec·on·ciledrec·on·cil·ingrec·on·ciles
v.tr.

1. To reestablish a close relationship between.
2. To settle or resolve.
3. To bring (oneself) to accept: He finally reconciled himself to the change in management.
4. To make compatible or consistent: reconcile my way of thinking with yours. See Synonyms at adapt.
v.intr.

1. To reestablish a close relationship, as in marriage: The estranged couple reconciled after a year.
2. To become compatible or consistent: The figures would not reconcile.

[Middle English reconcilen, from Old French reconcilier, from Latin reconcilire : re-re- +concilireto conciliate; see conciliate.]


The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

Hm, no wonder I had to look it up.  There has not been a whole lot of this word in my life!  But I was right, as I stated earlier.  I have actually been very busy reconciling.

Might I say…it’s loaded?  “Loaded”…I’m not sure if I look loaded up in the dictionary if the definition would quite meet the depth of how I mean ‘loaded’ to be here. Because how this feels to me is not even identifiable.  It’s not of a world I have ever been in.

So, I am working on things.  I could have said that and made this post a lot more succinct, but…I’m getting into details more now, I guess.

Oh, a lot going on.  A lot I don’t even know of, a lot I am only half (give or take) aware of even, which brings us back to the whole consciousness topic, and I’m devoted to not going there tonight.

I am working on things.  I don’t know what that means yet either, it just dawned on me.

But…regardless..no doubt I am.