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Apparently there is some drama going on in the “yoga world” right now that I did not know about.  A certain brand of yoga called Anusara Yoga, and it’s  founder named John Friend, is having a real go of it right now.  I can’t comment much about it because I don’t really know much about it.  I went to yoga class tonight and heard my teacher and another student talking…so I came home and looked it up.

I don’t know the exact allegations that were made against this guy, John Friend (unfortunate about his name,) but I can say that he is one of the “names” I was referring to have looked up in my post from yesterday…and when I looked him and his Anusara site up he really gave me the creeps.  I mean Anusara looks pretty good on the outside for what it’s supposed to encompass, but when I delved into the legalities and makeup of it on the inside it felt all wrong on a gut level.

Maybe it was his name.  The name John always leaves me feeling incredibly sick…but I really did feel it from this Friend guy too.  And I have nothing to gain or lose by not liking him.  I’m not actually IN the yoga world.  I just started going to yoga classes regularly a month ago to try to heal my knees.  And I really have no space in my life to get wrapped up in any more drama than what already exists within it.  I mostly just thought,  “Whoa, I was just talking about all that guru popularity contest shit just yesterday and I didn’t even know anything about all this!”

It was just timing, I guess.  So if you read what I wrote yesterday it had nothing to do with this current controversy.  I was saying that stuff about ego (and the denial of having one) as being dangerous on my own.  And maybe my ego wants to make that clear, lol.  I do have an ego.  I think everyone has an ego.  But I don’t want to go all Freud here.  Blah blah blah.  I’m so sick of the well-known all-knowing  assholes.  Who really gives a shit what they say?  And I’m super sick of the genius sort.  Fuck them.

Apparently that’s all those dudes really do though.

So nevermind.

Ugh.

I’m triggered.  I’m just going to say it.  I’m majorly triggered.  I’m going to say it.  I’m just saying it because I’m trying to push it away and I don’t want to be so I keep thinking if I just say it and bring it to light then it can’t get me, right?  If I just keep saying over and over and over that I’m triggered then maybe it won’t take me down the raging rapids with it.

Sometimes I don’t like people.  I’m just going to say that too.  Sometimes I don’t feel loving or forgiving or hopeful or the least bit good.  Sometimes I feel angry and angry and just plain like I’m going to come unglued bullets are going to fly out of every seam.

This happens sometimes when you’ve been totally fucked too many times.

Some people don’t get it.  That sweet little girl you fucked over and abused….yeah.  No words.  No words. But just you wait.  I’m getting them.  They are there and I’m gathering them.  And someday…someday they are going to come out.

I am so sick of being in this silence.  I am so sick of nobody knowing.  To “my” John, if you’re out there.  I want your name in lights too.  I want your name in god damned lights.

And no secret will be kept sacred.