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I’ve had a hard time finding space today, but had a beautiful day at yoga.  I’m starting to find the classes and teachers I like the best and find the fit that is good for me with where I am in healing (physically and mentally) right now.  I’m starting to really love the Monday morning class I’ve gone to a few times.  It’s called Gentle Hot Yoga and it’s taught by the owner of the studio.  Not enough can be said for good teachers–in yoga–as with anything.  But since I have some injuries I especially appreciate a teacher who can–Teach.  Lead.  Guide. Inspire.  Make a Difference.

I love to learn.  If  I had to make a spreadsheet or diagram for all the many things I love, (and I do mean things–not people.  Because I wouldn’t put my love for things above people.) learning would probably be at the head of every category.  It’s the center of everything. (And I do love learning about people too.)

I love exercising my mind.  I like taking it to new places and stretching it.

Unfortunately, it really sucks when it snaps.  And sometimes my brain does snap on me.       I’m not sure what the healing time for a person’s brain snapping is supposed to be.   Hm.  Maybe I will ask my therapist about that one tomorrow during my session.

But before I go down another path with this…Today I felt strong.  I love swimming in that space (nevermind that I can’t actually swim and have panic attacks in the water even when a teacher/lifeguard is right beside me.)  I’m trying to focus here!  I’ve had problems focusing today…except for when I was in yoga class.

I love that feeling of swimming in the space of my body on my mat with the energy of other people right next to me and yet still feeling like me and my soul are swimming safely alone in this warm, comforting surrounding water of newness and possibility.  And I’ve said it before, but I absolutely love being guided to awareness of what my body is doing–or what I am doing with my body.  “Drop your shoulders” “Keep your back leg straight”  “Lower your gaze to the floor” .  I can look in the mirror, see myself–and respond.  I love responding!  I love how I can feel the shift from being on automatic in a stressed or armored stance and then come into awareness and find freedom.

And here’s another surprising development.  I really enjoy seeing myself.  I am by far not the smallest person in the room (which used to be a ridiculous standard I compared everything else against.)  I’m not the most fit, knowledgable or graceful person in class, I’m sure of that.  But when I look at myself during a yoga class I’m able to find the place to honor where I am.  I am able to be proud of myself that I am there and doing it, and comparison doesn’t enter in.

I used to take yoga classes very sporadically in years past and it was always about being worried about measuring up, being ashamed of my inevitable failings, and even (though I hate to say it) competition with others for what I could do as a newbie.

Thank God I am maturing!

It’s unfortunate that I absolutely believe I had to be struck at the knees to gain any wisdom.

I’m finally beginning to settle in to my limitations.  I was always one of those people who had no physical boundaries…and just typing that…I guess it makes a lot of sense, huh…considering all the abuse stuff.   But I would push myself physically as if I didn’t even have a body at all.  It never mattered to me when my body hurt because I couldn’t really feel it.  My mind and my body were completely separate.  But I didn’t know that years ago.  I mistakenly thought that meant I was strong.

Oh life, how it will really dismember you into hell if you don’t pay attention.

So here I am, almost 32 and basically my body decided to quit.  My mind? I don’t even know what’s going on with it.  Everything just got called off.

And now…now.  NOW.  Now I get to be a baby again.  It’s a little complicated, for sure, especially when you’re already dedicated as a wife and mother.

BUT I’M RE-LEARNING EVERYTHING.

Ha!  I didn’t even know it would come back to that!  But here it is.  And this is where I am now.  Laughing because everything is so right.  I’m thankful I love learning so much because there’s so much of it I need to do!

This reminds me of a quote going around the web that’s ascribed to Buddha which says, “When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”