It is hard to return after last night’s “Wonders” expose’.
After writing last night I felt purged and relieved of some pressure, like with a flu. It’s a deceptive relief…the churning pressure, dizzy room-spinning faintness, and then the unstoppable valve that opens to let it all go… only to rebuild again. But oh, when it goes! The garbage leaving the deepest pit, unraveling through the intestines all the way into your throat and finally out your mouth…no matter how distasteful it is…to get it out is heaven. Perfect fever drenched heaven with the gift of lightness when it’s all done.
But sometimes, it is not done at all– Much more remains. And the cycles continue until finally there really is no more.
The hope I am holding today is that “done” happens.
And when I speak of “done” I’m talking about the sickness, not the lightness.
Maybe it’s a little grotesque. But sometimes things are just that way. Not everything has a pretty package. Sometimes reality and the things we go through are disgusting.
Thank goodness we get breaks from the gross part of living sometimes though. Thank goodness there are even breaks between pukes during stomach upsets. I’ll call those moments of grace.
Some space to refuel has to exist, even if refueling is breath. Even if breath is all we can digest. Breath is grace. Breath has more substance than our society generally gives it credit for. We are a society of breath holders, and I don’t mean in the comforting sense. I mean that we are breath deniers.
We should treat the breath we hold inside of us like the way we should treat a little baby. We should talk sweetly to it and nurture it. What if we walked around working on making the conditions for our own breath as positive as we possibly can…instead of constantly cutting it off prematurely. And just like we would for a tiny infant, definitely not put so many judgments on our innocent breath. Love it as helpless as it is.
Anyway, I’m probably getting a little off course, but not too much. I was talking about being thankful for the breaks of lightness that come, even when we’re sick, and breath is a big part of catching a break.
So here I am, back again…to write. To say more. And it had seemed last night when I had finished with my post, there was that “ah, made it through that” feeling. Done! I wasn’t done, and I knew last night I had only just really truly opened up for the first time in any public way and there’s a long way to go both in public and private.
But tonight I sit in the exhaustion and pure pain of a body that has wretched. And I breathe. In through my nose and out again whichever way it will work. And I say a prayer. I pray that I can come back and do it again.
And I pray that if “Done” never really happens then at least feeling “Better” for longer and longer amounts of time will. My heart beats, “better, better, better.”